Season of Peace

The past 8 years have been a beautiful, exciting and sometimes terrifying blur. I wouldnt change one single moment. We have found ourselves in a season of peace. Covid19 was announced in March and things came to a screeching halt. It was scary but wonderful. The constant therapies and appointments stopped. We built a garden and spent more time together. We strangely felt less stress in the midst of a pandemic then we did before it started. Things are starting to move again and I find myself longing to stay in the quietness and peacefulness of the quarantine. but... I know all good things must come to an end and the return to "normalcy" has its advantages too. It means people arent getting sick and that is a good thing. But there are also lessons worth keeping from this strange surprise time of seclusion. Lessons I am still processing and determined to capture. It is a time of reflection and prayer and hopefully what doesnt kill us makes our bodies stronger and our hearts kinder. God Bless!

Picking up the Pieces

It has been a tough couple of weeks for our family. D is getting older. He is stronger, faster, bigger. His future is uncertain and that is a hard pill to swallow. Parents have dreams, ideas, hopes for their kids. Bio, adopted, special needs or typical. It doesn't matter. We see their future in our minds and have a picture of what that should look like. Oh it is a beautiful picture. The sky is the limit! Sometimes reality is different. Sometimes we have to let go of our vision of happiness and accept and embrace a new one. One that isn't necessarily unhappy and bleak. Just different. We have to grieve that old "idea" in our head and embrace a new one.

You see.... we have tried all the sensory, therapies, meds, we have been more strict, less strict, no reaction, different reaction! We have given rewards, restrictions and built a home and yard of Disney like proportions! We have cried ourselves to sleep and begged God to fix his broken parts. Broken isn't always beautiful. Sometimes it just sucks! We have done all that we can do with our bag of tricks. To no avail. The hitting, yelling and throwing... the damage and hurt continues. The pounding on the wall, the kicking, stemming....these aren't tantrums. This is brain damage. This is beyond Down Syndrome. This is Intermittent Explosive Disorder. This is Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This is severe sensory dis-regulation. This is survival.

There is no easy answer. There is no simple explanation. It is just reality. It has always been a part of who D is. It cycles and there are hills and valleys but those valleys are getting more concerning. D has to be safe. His siblings have to be safe. Sometimes special needs families have to call a Code Red and draw a hard line in the sand. This is when mama bears fall into a puddle of ugly crying and hot mess or a raging bull seeking resources. I chose all of the above. If you are in my inner circle or within the state of Florida you have likely received my SOS. We are exploring several avenues for our son. We will leave no stone unturned and we will not dismiss any possibility. We will do what is best for D even if it doesn't look like the future we planned for him. Even if it is not popular with others. We will parent our child the way we know he needs to be parented because WE ARE the experts! We know his triggers and needs and wants. We can predict them as if ESP is our second language. We know if it will be a good day or a bad day the moment he awakes. We know. Others will question, recommend, suggest, intervene............ but we must stay the course. Because we already know what doesn't work.

To the other moms out there walking hard truths, I see you. I hear you. You are a good mom. You didn't miss something. You didn't fail. You didn't do anything "wrong". Sometimes success isn't inclusion, limitless potential, independent living... Sometimes success is a day of no hitting or even an hour. A meal without throwing. A nap without fecal smearing. You are still a good mom if your child is in a typical classroom, a self contained class or a residential treatment program. You are parenting your child the best you can with the tools and resources you have. As mothers we carry the heaviest of burdens. We are the fixers. We know and love our child like no other human on this planet so surely this is our fault? If we had been more patient, tried harder, maybe the next person will have the answer? Ill call another friend..... I'll try that new therapy, that new med, that new purple weighted blanket with the soft mink cover......I'll try and try and try.... It is not your fault, you are not to blame. There is nobody to blame, sometimes the only thing left is acceptance.

It is not all doom and gloom mama. You can still delight in the joys. Joy can be found in the greatest of accomplishments or the small and mundane. Don't be sad mama. Find the smallest thing and soak it up. You are loving your child through the hardest of hards. You are not alone and because of your unending love neither is your child.

I love you D. I will pick up the pieces of this broken chair along with the pieces of my heart and I will find the joy in being your mama again, however, wherever, that takes us.

How do you do it?

Many people have asked us "How do you do it?" Below I will share with you what I believe makes us successful Adoptive, Big Family, Special Needs Parents!

Marriage- We have a VERY solid marriage. There is never a question of our loyalty, faithfulness or commitment to one another or our children. We are seasoned parents. We raised one another's step children to adult hood together. That worked out a lot of kinks! We prioritize one another and need one another in order to be successful each day. We do not hold grudges and we always put our family as a whole first. I will also say my husband is by far the very best father I have ever met! His father is one of the kindest men I know. He had wonderful parents and he is a reflection of that. He is involved and loving, fun and adventurous! I hope he thinks Im ok too. ;)

Duties- We have pretty clear "job titles" but stay flexible. Primarily Marty does all the yard work, pool care, house maintenance, auto repairs, and bill paying. I do majority of the kids medical, education, therapies, house cleaning and kid care. But I have been known to lay sod, paint walls, and stack fire wood! and Marty has never objected to cleaning house, cooking, and other duties normally reserved for me. We just get it done!!! We both have high expectations of ourselves, so we rarely need to be nagged to do what needs to be done. We just do it.

Organization- We are both pretty organized people. Sure we have a junk drawer and a cluttered cabinet or two. But in general we are very organized people. We both prefer things neat and orderly.

Cleanliness- Neither of us can stand a dirty house. We are constantly cleaning! Our beds are made first thing in the morning, no clothes on the floors or dirty counter tops. Dishes in the sink make me cringe! I even dry my sinks because I don't like water everywhere. The kids rooms are always neat and tidy. The best part is, they witness it so much they do it without being asked! Our kids argue over putting dishes in the sink and throwing garbage in the trash. They mimic everything they see us do! They naturally tidy and clean.

Problem Solving- We are both very much problem solvers. Its almost a competition between us to see who has a better solution! When the kids shoved their beds around their rooms, we screwed them to the walls. When the girls emptied their dressers and threw clothes everywhere, we locked it in the closet. When Dunham banged on his bedroom window so hard we feared it would break, we built an adorable wood shutter. I could go on all day about all the things we've done to de-stress our lives and keep them safe and happy.

Patience- Most things are temporary. Hang in there. Breathe. Problem Solve. Remove unnecessary stressors. Don't rush to do things for them that they can do themselves. (this is a hard one for me) After all if you do it for them they are only learning that you do it better. Let them try! If a catastrophe strikes go into the zone and just get the job done. Poop smeared everywhere? Yikes! That one is always frustrating. Suck it up. It is what it is, getting angry will only make it worse. Instead, problem solve! Backward onesie? layers? You got this! If all else fails, have a glass of wine!  

Fun- We LOVE to have fun!! We created a backyard we could truly enjoy with them! having six little kiddos will limit your day trips and amusement is expensive. So we brought the fun to us! Swimming pool, swing set, zipline, play house, sand box, mini petting farm, atv's, go karts, ......we have an endless supply of things to keep our littles happy, busy and sensory satisfied! We also love parties! Every Holiday and every birthday is an excuse to bake a cake and have fun!

Therapies- It took me a long time to get the OT, PT, ST, ABA services in place for our kids. In our home! Driving them to therapies and waiting around for 3 hours while they all got services one at a time was absolutely ridiculous. Not gonna happen. Not in their best interest or mine! Now all of our therapists come to us! They are like family and I am able to observe without staring at a waiting room wall for hours! I can still do laundry, teach the other kids, clean etc. It just makes sense! It took a lot of phone calls and patience but in the end it makes our lives so much better.

Education- Our kids are all homeschooled. For starters our public school was not able to accommodate all six of my kids. They would have had to go to 3 different schools!!! haha! No. Not happening. Could you imagine that debacle? Good grief. Not this mama. Second, I like knowing my kids are safe. They are mostly non verbal and lets face it this world is getting scary lately! I like knowing they are safe at home and it is I that is wiping their bottoms and kissing their boo boo's. They are still very little. I hired a teacher that comes three days a week and works one on one with each of the kids. She is incredibly qualified and her teaching methods are phenomenal! She is persistent but kind and the kids are growing, learning, safe and happy! The kids also have an education grant that pays for their teacher and everything they need for learning, therapy and sensory! The Florida Gardiner Grant rocks!

Support System- Oh boy are we blessed! Between the slew of therapists and educators in our home each week, the kids also have their adult big sister here all week long! They adore her and she is hands down my greatest asset! They have two amazing sets of grandparents that adore them. They each have god-parents, aunties, uncle's and cousins that think the world of them. These same individuals give us the support and respite we need and the love and acceptance our children desire. They are also the individuals that will step up to care for our children should the both of us expire unexpectedly. Having a plan in place in case of tragedy is a must! We are lucky to have more than enough people willing and able to care for our kiddos.

Income- We are very smart and frugal about our money. Our vehicles are paid for. We clean our own pool, mow our own lawn, do our own repairs and remodeling. We don't pay anyone for something we can do ourselves. We don't care to compete with the joneses or own new cars, or designer clothes. Marty owns his own business and builds outdoor play centers for children. He can also restore anything! He is absolutely brilliant when it comes to restoring and flipping boats, cars, or anything with a motor. We love a good barter and many of our friends do too! Trading services and favors is a great way to save money! His work from home, flexible schedule also allows him to be home with us and lending a helping hand!

Time- Surely some days everything just doesn't get done. Such is life. I don't beat myself up or give myself a hard time. I just tackle it again tomorrow. Sometimes laundry sits. That's ok! Daily activities can be a great opportunity to spend one on one time with kids! When I have to run errands I grab a kid! Grocery shopping can be an opportunity to teach math or colors or sing silly songs. Dr appointment for one kid? I put down the cell phone and talk/play/teach them in that lobby! Sitting on the couch watching a movie? time to snuggle! Everyone's napping except Gage and Edgar? Lets swim! Bath time = play time! I try to turn daily activities into opportunities to bond with them and give them one on one attention.


Love- Yes! I love every single one of my children! I hear constantly from friends and family how much "love" there is in our home. We are always dancing, singing, wrestling, and laughing! All the kids love one another and fight with one another just like "real" siblings do! No we are not "like" a daycare". We don't take care of other peoples kids. These are our kids! We are mommy and daddy and they are all ours! Whether they like it or not lol!

Adoption- Will we adopt again? I sure hope so! I love our big, fun, beautiful family. We have talked endlessly about what is ideal for us. We investigated foster care and other options. Although we live fearlessly for Jesus we are also realistic. We are very established in our therapies and "system" and it is a perfectly designed world for our littles. Ideally we would love to adopt another child with Down Syndrome. We just really love our DS kiddos and we are equipped to handle anything they throw at us. (sometimes literally!) We will wait to see what God has in store and in the meantime keep "killing it" at this parenting thing! ;)

Grace- For your husband, your children, and mostly for you! I am constantly pep talking myself. Self Reflection. Respite. Self Love. Give yourself a high five girl you just tackled five kids with strep throat and diarrhea while you were sick yourself! Now thats some super star sh*t right there!

Face Palm

This journey with my children is full of mystery and twists and turns and I have been stretched and pulled and pushed mentally (and physically) in every direction and emotion imaginable! I am learning. One of the traits I believe helps anyone be a (somewhat) successful adoptive mom, is adaptability. I am becoming more and more adaptable. You are given no, little, or incorrect information about your Ukrainian adopted children. You can truly only believe what is evident! The child is a boy, the child has Down Syndrome. If it is not concrete. It is just gossip. 

I was told from the beginning that Dunham's parents were alcoholic criminals. I was told his mother was a drunk. I searched and found them the eve before Ukrainian Christmas on Facebook. After finding and speaking and stalking his birth parents for two weeks now...... I have found this to be completely untrue. They are professionals. His mother is artistic and very intelligent! She is thoughtful, healthy, kind, and beautiful! His parents are still married and have another son that is handsome, athletic and intelligent. The father is a businessman and the reality is they were normal, healthy, happy, social people. She does not drink and certainly did not during her pregnancy! This changes everything! 

Dunham does NOT have FAS.  

So... what does this mean for Dunham. What does this mean for me? I had accepted this diagnosis without question. I had glued it to my sons permanent record. I had taken that label and quite relieved to have found an "answer" slapped it on his tiny soul and marched confidently to tackle the next task. I finally had an answer. Permanent damage, nothing I can do. Phew! I am "off the hook". Okay I probably didn't go to that extreme but a part of me did. A part of me accepted that as the "answer" the "solution". It is time to adapt again! My oldest daughter made a comment that same week that really hit me. It was a very simple statement but... none the less it struck me. She said "Mom, Dunham just wants to be treated like the other boys. He is tired of being treated like a baby." I realized that because I was so untrusting of his impulsiveness and past behavior issues. I had stopped raising the bar. I had stopped expecting more, trying more, teaching more! I had decided this FAS diagnosis was preventing him from ever advancing and that is where we were. I was ok with that answer. I had decided I would get healthy and give myself "me" time. I would focus on being a happy healthy mom. This wasn't a bad thing. It was a great thing. but.... there was still work to be done. God had presented this knowledge to me at the perfect time. Dunham does not have FAS. 

For the past few weeks Dunham's best friend and biggest ally, big sissy, has been working with him several hours a day on his behaviors. I have been focusing a lot of attention on Dunham and raising the bar. He has met every challenge like a champ! Exceeding my expectations every single time. He is now fully potty trained during the day. Only wearing underwear and never having accidents. His yelling and throwing have improved about 50% in just a couple of weeks! His therapists have all commented on the change and how much he has improved so quickly! 

I tend to think, move, and process things quickly! If there are improvements to myself, my kids, my home, anything, that needs to be done! I tend to do it fast! If you have followed my family on Facebook you may have already noticed this trait ;) both my husband and I are this way. Once I made this realization in my mind, I asked myself... what else am I doing to hold back my children?! I hire all these professionals to work with them, I work day and night to provide them the tools they need.... am I holding them back!? Yes. The answer is yes. I don't tend to feel sorry for myself. I swallowed this huge humility pill fairly quickly and then set about "fixing" it! I handed Lettie a spoon and yogurt. She ate that yogurt like an expert! I began to raise the bar for all of my children across the board and they have not disappointed! Why? Why was I holding them back? Several reasons. One because they are my "babies" and I really love babies! ;) Two, because I did what was convenient for me. Feeding Lettie and Anna a yogurt is quick, less messy. I have six kids! I did what was fast. But I was a fool. Lettie made less of a mess than mommy! and she can do it herself if given the chance. Third, I enjoy caring for my children. I like doing things for them. Unfortunately I was doing TOO MUCH for them! and this was holding them back. 

So, I have a challenge for you. What have you been doing to hold your kids back? What diagnosis have you accepted as fact that could use more research? What have you accepted as resolved that may not be the best solution? 

It is hard to go back to those challenging dark places when you have finally found "light" but perhaps it deserves a second look? 

                               Yes Lettie, that is exactly how mommy feels. Face palm. ;)

"The Winner"

Over the past several days, Edgar's (Volodymyr's) father and I have had many conversations over Facebook. I write to him in Russian using an online app to translate. He does understand some English and can speak some English but not well. So we have managed. He wanted very much to share the story of Edgar's birth but did not want any confusion so I asked a friend to translate his story for us. She was the same individual that had facilitated Edgar's adoption. She joined us on messenger and piece by piece he shared his heartbreaking story. Two young lovers, the world against them, poverty and prejudice, in a corrupt country that values appearances over all else. 

This is his story....

Let us start with far past. I and my mom had an apartment we gave a room for rent to one man. Soon their relations became romantic and they got married. He became my step father. Later he invited his daughter to rest for two weeks (we live in a resort city you know). She is from Luhansk region. But at that moment she lives in Moscow. She came with her friend. I took them everywhere, beaches, disco dances... When they left I understood that I couldn’t live without her. So we started dating. Soon she left Moscow and moved to live with us. Parents didn’t know that. When they found out that she was coming to Odesa again they quarreled... Step father / father in law left my mom and he and his daughter rented a room at a different place. (She was already my girlfriend). I came to visit them every day. We spent good time together.

Soon she got pregnant. It was a very hard time in my life... I wanted that child. But when my mom found out about it she said - what do you need it for? Abort the baby. When my father in law found out about it he seemed to be happy at first... but when we had an eye to eye conversation he said - are you crazy? Abort the baby.

I sent them far away and told them I didn’t want to see them ever. In a while my wife (girlfriend at that time) said - we are very young, not financially stable... let’s abort the baby... My reaction was cruel... It was offensive that all my relatives turned their back to me... I told her - you’ll have that baby... after you give him birth you can go back and I will take care of the baby.

Time passed. I worked hard... 60% of income went on treatment... tests... medicines...for my pregnant girlfriend (now wife). She said to me once - I haven’t seen you for two weeks already. You leave at 7 am when I am still sleeping and return home at 1-4 at night

Approximately at 6 months pregnant she fell in love with the baby... she started looking for a crib... was making plans for him... how she would take care of him... started buying clothes for the baby... all her conversations were only  about him. Once I told her she was going crazy

So the waters broke and we went to the maternity hospital... I was sent home... I couldn’t sleep that night. Was very nervous... then a wardrobe fell behind my back... no reason... I got scared because it was a bad sign

They called and said - baby is born!!! We went to the hospital with parents... I was sent home for some reason (to bring something to eat for my wife - that was an excuse)

Parents came home before I was ready with food. I figured something was wrong... they weren’t happy... instead they were strange... I asked what happened... they wouldn’t tell me... father in law took a shot of vodka... 150 grams... and said - you know, your son is not healthy... I smiled - what do you mean not healthy? (I thought he was joking... maybe it was something that could be treated for money)... he said - not healthy... I smiled - that’s ok! We’ll treat it!

In reply I heard - it is not treatable. It is Down syndrome. Doctor suggested to sign a refusal.

Tears ran down my face, I didn’t believe it... crying I called my friend and asked him to come pick me up... he asked what happened? I (still crying) - take me away from here, I don’t want to know them and be with them... 10 minutes later he came over... I didn’t have money, I asked him to buy a bottle of vodka for me... I cried through the whole night at his house with him and his girlfriend... and drank the whole bottle

Oh yes... when my wife was 4 months pregnant our parents began to live together again. We moved from the rented apartment to my and my mom’s apartment

In the morning I gathered my thoughts together and decided that I needed to be strong... I called my wife. She was crying. I was calming her down and was telling her that everything would be fine... I asked her if they could substitute our child (I heard that it happened often in our country). She said that they didn’t even take him away from her and that he was with her all the time. It seemed to be over...

But that was just the beginning. Many tests, much money (good that parents helped at that time). Test at the genetic center to check if he would understand at least something... 100 percent that he wasn’t going to develop... they said this - your child is a vegetable

Ok... I resigned

And then fatal message - heart disease... doctor - your son will live 2, maximum 3 years

Again a bottle of vodka, again tears. For myself I figured that I wouldn’t be able to watch my wife suffering for those 2-3 years. Besides that will not be able to apprehend his death and at the same time be strong for my wife. I simply wouldn’t be able to watch her suffering

I decided to sign the refusal... I put all my courage together, I had to be stronger... I called my wife and said - we will have another child. We will give him smile, happiness... she cried... and said - I understand, I know, my brain says the same. Then she said... would you be able to sign the refusal? At the very moment I said - I wouldn’t. If you want take him home and hung up. But she did not bring him home. 

6 months later she told me how a lawyer came to her room... how he told her that she was a bad mother, that she shouldn’t sign the refusal. She sat and cried, nurse told the lawyer to leave, talked to him, told him that the girl was nice but the situation was hard... when he came back the lawyer said - write it!!!!  My wife wrote the refusal and nobody ever said a word to her

 I don’t understand a lot. Why did they tell us he was a vegetable? Why we were told that he would die in 2-3 years? The orphanage named him Volodymyr.  It is clear he was given this name Volodymyr - it means "the winner" for a good reason... it means he went through everything... survived everything doctors told us. He won. 

But, now I'm happy! Later after all of this when my wife told me that she is pregnant with the second child, I was not even happy, I did not try ... but when you wrote to me, I was happy and began to pay more attention to my daughter and my wife. 

I understand this! Since finding Edgars parents and Dunhams mother I have  been more attentive to them! More patient. Kind. Edgars father, Annaleigh's mother, Dunham's mother...... they are good people in a broken world. They have given me the opportunity to experience their children as my own. The weight of this responsibility makes it difficult to breath at times. but... It also gives me strength to be a better mother, wife, sister, friend. I have been entrusted to care for these children and I refuse to fail them, or their parents. 

*It is important to understand that in the U.S. parents are told these same lies while they are pregnant. The children will be burdens, they will have no brains or understanding. Abort them while they are still nothings. You will cause them unnecessary suffering and pain. All lies! That is the reason the abortion rate for children with Down Syndrome is over 90%. We murder these children in the womb. In Ukraine, the children are institutionalized. We cannot judge them as we stand with bloody hands. Complicit in the murder of our most innocent. We cannot gasp in horror at the thought of abandoning children to a life alone in an institution and stand idly by while thousands of our own citizens are murdered in the name of "Choice". Prenatal testing should be used only to protect children. To determine if there is anything needed upon birth to sustain life. NOT to selectively determine who is valuable enough to be born. Who are we to determine the value of ones life. This,... is only for God to determine. 

One Choice.... Grace.

Please don't envy my compassion or praise my patience or applaud me for not being angry.
Because I want to be angry.
I see what I have sacrificed to raise my children. Life is not easy because I am American or because I "chose" to adopt children with special needs. Dealing with the medical and therapy and behavior issues is not a "piece of cake" because I am a "special person" or a "saint". Im not and I don't want to be. I wish I did not have to care for other peoples children. I wish they had the strength, the tools, the whatever! to accept the gift and challenges of raising their own children. Because they are who their children needed, wanted! but, they didn't. Yes, my children are amazing! They are joyful and funny and loving and sweet. They are also loud, demanding, exhausting, and messy! They are difficult and stubborn and damaged. and I am their only hope. Their only shot at normal. They need me. They need a mom and a dad fighting for them. They need us to do what everyone else does not want to do or is afraid to do. And a million more orphans sit and wait.

Every day more parents walking away. Every day society turning a blind eye. Each giving their own "valid" excuse why they shouldn't, couldn't, won't. Criticizing the parents that abandon their child and then flipping the script to gossip about the adoptive family of 12 adopting again! Hating the parents, unwilling to parent the abandoned children, and critical of those that do. ..... so hell yes I want to be angry! I just don't know who to be angry at!?

Some direct it at the orphanages that care for the children in less than exceptional ways. "They drug the children!" they shout. but how would they care for so many!? How should they numb the pain of losing ones parents? How would one nanny manage 25 children without drugging the ones that stem all night or scream or cry. They cant possibly console them all. They cannot give them a safe home a mom and dad. Is it the nannys fault these parents are not parenting?

"Why would those parents abandon their children! How horrible!" we shout. But I have seen Ukraine. I have seen the horrible housing and poverty. The lack of resources and medical services. I have seen the glares and the bias. They do not have the luxury of living in the U.S.A with its abundant services and resources. and who are we to judge Ukrainians? We kill these special children in the womb! because WE have the latest technology.

So where? who? who do i hate? who do I be angry at? Certainly not the child!! Then God? Who then is responsible? .......... me. Me. ME! I am! I am responsible! You. YOU are responsible. If we have a home, an income, an extra bed and an extra plate. If we call Jesus our savior and carry his cross. Then WE are responsible. You and I. Yet, the silence is deafening. The indifference is suffocating. The excuses are endless.

Please don't separate yourself from me by saying "I could never do it, but I admire YOU!" or "It takes a special person". Please don't. It is these comments these innocently vomited objections that I cannot stand to hear. I AM you. Even if you don't want to admit it.I simply, ran out of excuses. I decided to stop being angry at everyone else and be angry at me for not doing something. I decided to be honest with myself.

I want to be angry....... but I choose grace. I refuse to be bitter or resentful. I have but one choice.... Grace. For the parents that abandon their child. For the orphanage nanny. For the children. For me. and even.......for you.

The reward, is when we clear our minds and hearts of the clutter of anger, hate, bitterness... we are left with the peace to enjoy life. To enjoy the "Gift" these children truly are. To appreciate them and celebrate them and bask in the glory of God and we are forever changed. We are strengthened and able to fight the battle another day. We become an example of Christ whether we realize it or not. Because by saving others, we truly save ourselves.

Abundant Love

 Gage was still running a fever today but we decided to bring him with to court. Our options were limited. On our way to the courthouse our facilitator told us that Annaleigh's parents wanted to meet us. We had about ten minutes to spare. We had never been able to meet any of our other children's parents! We were excited and eager to meet them, even if only for a few minutes.

We met up with them outside of Annaleigh's orphanage. I stepped out of our car just as my daughter's mother stepped out of hers. Her beautiful round belly proudly announcing she was carrying a child. Her eyes were the most beautiful seafoam blue I have ever seen. I will never forget them. She was beautiful! Her husband joined her outside their car. He was young and handsome and in many ways reminded me of my own husband when he was a few years younger and had less grey. Our facilitator joined us and the five of us stood. Silent. Our facilitator began speaking to them in Ukrainian as we curiously smiled and greeted one another. It was cold and Gage clung to my hand. I was speechless but my mind was racing. I wondered if Gage was too cold, if they liked us, if I should ask her questions, ..... She handed me a gift bag. I took it, smiled, and thanked her in Ukrainian. Our facilitator began telling her about us. Our other adopted children and our home in Florida.... I asked our facilitator to tell her we loved Annaleigh, and how smart and beautiful her daughter was and that I could see now that she had her daddy's dark eyes. She did and she began to cry. I wanted to reassure her and lift her burden, tell her thank you and let her know I would take care of Annaleigh and love her and I would give her a good life. Instead... I hugged her. I tried to tell her through that hug that I would love her daughter for  a lifetime, that I did not judge her, that I was sorry in this world we all had to endure these hardships. I told her through that hug that she was important to us and to her daughter and that we respected her and cared about her feelings and thoughts and traditions. She explained that she had named "Anna" after her grandmother. That they were born on the same day. We shared that we would keep that as part of Annaleigh's name and she was happy. Gage was confused about all the hugging so he tried to get in on it and give her a hug too. We all laughed! Our facilitator pointed out the time and the cold and we reluctantly had to say goodbye. We headed off to court and passed them on the narrow road as they pulled up to Building #2. Anna's building... Annaleigh's building. They were going to say their goodbyes. It was my turn to cry.

On our drive back, after court, I reflected on our meeting. I looked out the car window at the enormous decaying apartment buildings. Hundreds of people driving and walking. So many people in this world. Where we are, who we are, what happens to us..... so much of it is chance. Children with disabilities, children with Down Syndrome, are not accepted here in Ukraine. I remembered the disgust on the faces of Ukrainian woman that saw me in Kyiv with Edgar and Dunham a few years ago. I thought about life in Ukraine and how challenging it was. She was just a mom. She cannot change this entire country, the way they treat special needs, or public access to education, medical, or therapy. She cannot make others love her child or value her child. I thought about the baby growing in her tummy and how happy she must be for this new life. I smiled. I am happy for her. I am happy for me and for Annaleigh, for Papa Quinn and our entire family. To think I would have missed this if we had been too sad, too tired, too frightened to continue. To know why the name Anna had been so important to this journey. To see God's plan unfold, so perfect, so good.

It all went wonderfully wrong.

It has been quite some time since I blogged. Mostly I update our "Growing Up Quinn-tuplets" Page on Facebook. We are currently in Ukraine. Just days before we traveled we found out the little girl we were fighting to get to was being adopted by a Canadian family. We were crushed. So very close. But too late. Her name was Tatyanka but from the moment we committed to adopting her I began calling her "Anna". Reece's Rainbow had her listed as "Chelsea". But for whatever reason I felt our daughters name would be Anna? I had never been particularly fond of the name Anna. It simply was. When we lost "Anna" we questioned whether we should even continue. We were confused, heartbroken. We decided to go anyway and see what child the Lord might lead us to. We were contacted just two days before we flew about a baby girl with DS and a heart condition that needed to be adopted quickly. We said YES! We found out her birth name was "Anna". We thought surely this is a sign that she is our daughter! Our spirits lifted we set out for Grandma and Grandpa's to drop off four of the kiddos and grab our plane to Ukraine! The evening before we left we found out "Anna" #2 was no longer available. Not to be deterred we continued to the airport. Mommy, Daddy, and Gage on a journey to discover the newest Quinn.

After arriving in Ukraine we met with our team. They told us about a new committee that was just assembled at the official adoption office. This new committee would review all cases before giving families permission to go to court to adopt their child/children. This committee had JUST been established and we were the first family our team would be submitting. (just our luck) This new committee could deny us even though we were already approved and after meeting our child.
They also told us about a baby girl with DS. She was 1.5 years old. The next morning we went to our appointment with the adoption officials and accepted a referral to visit this baby girl. We were exhausted but feeling optimistic about meeting her the next day. As we walked out of the office we stopped and asked "what is the little girls name? her birth name?" The official responded "Anna. A N N A." Marty and I looked at each other and laughed! Ok Anna #3 here we come!

The next morning we traveled to meet "Anna #3". The director was excited to see us and happily offered Gage chocolates. She asked if she could have copies of the pictures we had brought to show her of the other children. Although we spoke different languages it was clear to her that we were here for the right reasons and we understood that she truly cared for the children as well. We walked back outside into the freezing temps and across the street to a group of small buildings. They were old and looked more like sheds. In the back was a small building for sick children. "Anna" had been sick with some sort of cold/cough. We spoke briefly with the nurse about "Anna's" medical background and then it was time to meet our girl.

When they brought "Anna" into the room we instantly fell in love. Gage declared "My Baby!" She glanced up from the nanny's shoulder to investigate the new visitors and quickly and shyly retreated back to the nanny's shoulder with a hint of a pout. To most people this would be unremarkable but to an experienced adoption mom this spoke volumes! It meant "Anna" had bonded with her caregiver. That she COULD bond. That she reacted appropriately to strangers. This is exactly how a child should respond! The nanny laughed and smiled and so did I. A minute later I asked Gage if he would like to sit with Daddy so I could hold the baby. Gage agreed. I thanked him for being a good boy and reached for "Anna". She reached back. :D  My first thought was how healthy she felt. She was solid and had good posture. Her big beautiful brown eyes and long lashes looked at me curiously. That was it. She was mine. I knew instantly. Marty and I exchanged a knowing glance. That first visit lasted about 20 minutes and we scurried off to begin processing the appropriate paperwork to submit to the adoption officials and committee.

We chose the name "Annaleigh Faith" for our daughter. It seemed appropriate. My middle name and my oldest daughters middle name's are "Leigh". By adding the "leigh" we were able to personalize her original name while also preserving it. "Anna #3" seemed a bit impersonal. ;) We are currently waiting. Today the committee is suppose to meet to determine Annaleigh's future. This new process has added two weeks to our trip. The children back home are fond of their Grandparents, Aunts and Cousins. We miss them terribly! We call them over the computer and they seem content. But it is never easy being separated. So... we hold our breaths. We distract ourselves as best we can and try not to think about the possibility of the committee saying "no". We can tackle the challenges and speed bumps that arise. We can tolerate the disappointments with a minimal amount of complaining and whining. But there is one favor I ask of the Lord, let them say "yes". Let them say YES!

Dear Anna,

Dear Anna,

Hello sweet girl. I know you have been waiting for me. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I know you have wondered where I was and why we haven't been together all this time. I will explain as you get older. For now will you accept me as I am? Will you trust that I love you and want whats best for you? Will you give me time to earn your trust and to explain one day when you are wiser?

Sweet, sweet Anna, will you forgive me when I am tired? Will you show your mama grace when she does not deserve it? You will. I know you will. It is written in your sweet sweet soul. Your smile, your eyes, everything about you is pure of heart. I see a little fire in that sweet smile. A fire that often stays buried but sometimes when you are just a little too tired, hungry, sick or frustrated.... Its ok sweet Anna, I too will show you grace.

Your papa and I love you so much! We have not forgotten your tight hugs and your big eyes. Papa did not forget you. He thought of you every day. He cried the day he recognized your beautiful face on Reece's Rainbow. We are coming sweet Anna, and we are bringing friends! Lots of friends! We are an Anna Army! yep your own army Anna! Every princess has an army. Yours just happens to be the BEST army!

We will have a good life together Anna. You will see.... Sometimes some of us get a rough start Anna. Life can be difficult sometimes. But we will be together Anna! We will face those hard times together now. Papa, Mama, and all your siblings. We will celebrate together and we will cry together. We will have good times and bad. But we will always, always, be together. Forever Anna. In Heaven and on earth. You are loved beyond measure.

Love,  Mama

The greatest gift...

It is 2am. I woke up itching my fingers from my usual "washing dishes" induced eczema. My brain ceased the moment to send rushing ideas and thoughts my way as often it does when I am awake. I clung to this one thought... "what is the greatest gift I can give my children?"

I read an article yesterday that got me thinking. It was about a young elementary aged boy that had taken his life. His parents suspect bullying was the reason for his decision to end his life. The father made a plea for parents to take the extra time to talk with their children. Many people commented on bullying and how to prevent your child from being a bully or becoming a victim of one. All very good and true. But... was it enough? In a dark moment? Whether you are an adult or a child we have all gone through very dark days. We will lose loved ones and suffer tragedy and simply lose hope at some point. So what will carry us through those times? Will the love of a concerned parent be enough? What if there is no parent? What if the sadness is caused by the loss of ones parents. What if the source of sadness IS ones parents?? Will a book or program about bullying be enough? If a child or you or I... had no one? If we were alone in our suffering. What would be "enough" to carry us through? Certainly we want to give our children everything they need and much of what they want. We want them to be happy but more so we want them to be healthy physically and mentally. So on their darkest day, in their most desperate moments that are sure to come in this broken world. What will carry them through? Certainly it won't be xbox, money, a swing set or any other material thing. but... will the love of a parent or teacher? Will a program on bullying or a book about how to make friends? Would counseling or even medication be enough? I would imagine any surviving parent of a child or loved one that committed suicide, will tell you they loved the person. They likely suffer guilt on what they could have said or done to prevent it. But would their words truly have been enough? Some children and adults may have underlying mental health issues or chemical imbalances that only medication will resolve. But ALL of us will suffer some loss and devastation. How will we cope? How DO we cope?

The conclusion I kept coming back to was God. Any missionary will tell you the most faithful, prayerful, grateful people are the poorest, the sickest, the most desperate. Those that are suffering pray to God the most. He is there for us in our darkest hour. When the road seems to end abruptly and there is nothing left. He is good. He is faithful. He is worthy. He is love. So when you are stripped of ALL your worldly support. No friends, no family, no medication, no therapy...... where do you turn? If you were lying naked in a cell by yourself. Where would you turn? I know where I would turn. Desperate and out of solutions. I would turn to God. Always faithful, always with me. Forever and always.

So what is "the greatest gift I can give my children?" For me that answer is clear. Christ. If I am not here to comfort or guide them, I want them to turn to the Word not the world.  I want them to turn to the one true sovereign God. Faith is the one thing the world can never strip them of.

The Rescued

 As I drove in the rain this evening, alone, quietly reflected on everything that has happened these past few weeks. I felt peaceful. The day had ended with a generous gift to Anna's fund and it gave me a renewed spirit. I am tired. My body is hurting! but.... I am satisfied. 

I reflect often on how I handle things. People. People who are kind... people who are not so kind. Sometimes I am satisfied with how I handled things and sometimes I am disappointed in myself. I am not a patient person by any means. I have struggled with this my entire life. I insist on getting things done......yesterday! ;) I come from a 20 year high pace marketing career in health care. It was competitive and ruthless and it ate me alive at times. but..........it also made me strong. It gave me a confidence and persistence, that at times may seem aggressive to some of my friends that are a little more laid back, quiet, or unfamiliar with the working world. It is this "toughness" that has gotten me through the past four years of being pregnant at 38, giving birth at 39, adopting two special needs children, then two more and now a fifth! It is this "toughness" that gets the job done when five toddlers are all demanding my attention at the same time and I have a photography business to run. It is this same grit that gets me through brain surgeries, heart surgeries, therapies, seizures and flying poop! God gave me this strength. He did it, so he could use it. For His Glory. For His Purpose. Unfortunately I am human and I don't always handle this gift with grace. For that dear friends, I am sorry. 

 When I look at Anna's videos I see a gentleness. A child waiting. Patiently waiting for that day promised her. She has a sense about her that she "knows" we are coming. That she is simply waiting. I never quite understood why God brought us back for Bo and Lettie before Anna. Why he made us wait? Why he made her wait? but.... one thing I have learned is that whatever you think God is doing, it is likely he is actually doing something completely different. I am on a mission to "rescue" my daughter. but in reality... Anna is the one rescuing me. All of my children have challenged me, changed me, molded me and taught me things no adult or book could ever teach. I am excited to give Anna a better life. A bedroom and toys of her own. It will be a pleasure to read to her and brush her hair. Teach her to cook and be her mama. But I am also excited to see what my daughter has in store for me. What will she teach her old tired mama? 

As I drove home in the rain I understood. Daddy promised Anna he would come back. It wasn't the kind of promise I could package into a neat manila folder and slap a deadline on. I couldn't write it in my agenda book and confidently look at it and think "yep, there it is. Right where I wrote it." It was Gods timing. All messy and painful and.........perfect. Anna somehow knows this? This knowledge that had escaped me and frustrated me. She carry's it. In her simplicity. Her simple trust. She trusts because she has God. Without being told or taught. The Holy Spirit lives in her. She is at peace in her soul. Although her belly may be hungry and she may be hurting she feels Gods peace. I want that peace. That rest. I want the innocent trust and faith that my daughter carries with her. I want to protect her and learn from her. Somehow she understands the orphanage is not her home.

As I turned down my street I smiled to see a beautiful rainbow. Gods Promise. 

Promises...........

In 2013 while visiting with Edgar and Dunham in Ukraine, we met a quiet, shy, beautiful young girl with the saddest eyes. She wasn't popular with the nanny's and they were often scolding her for what seemed to be typical child behavior.... running, talking, jumping. Just about everything she did seemed to annoy them. She captured my husbands heart one sunny spring day when she darted from one of the nannys and ran to him yelling papa and flew into his arms. She hugged him tightly, her eyes begging him to love her, play with her, .... to be her papa too! Whenever the other children tried to come near us the nanny's would scold them and tell them that we were Vova's (Edgars) Mama and Papa. Sometimes when they saw us coming they would run over to Vova and yell "Vova, Vova! Papa, mama!"  One day my husband captured a quick hug from the sad little girl and told her "I will come back for you one day".  We did return to Ukraine to adopt Lettie and Bogdan but my husband never forgot the promise he made to this one sad little girl. Yesterday while cruising FB the face of a little girl grabbed me. I have seen hundreds of orphans on the pages of social media but this child made my heart leap into my throat! The way Willow had done many months earlier. My husband was driving our van as we returned from an ice cream trip with the kids. I leaned over and said "This little girl, her face her eyes. I feel like bursting into tears. I don't know why she is affecting me this way?" My husband yelled "Its her! Its HER Jen!"  "Its who?" I asked. "Its the little girl I promised to go back for!" I cautioned him not to get too excited. I told him many of the children look similar. He was certain. I was skeptical. I messaged the woman who posted the pic. I asked her where this little girl was located and what her name was. My husband was relentless. I could tell he was ready to leap on a plane tomorrow! An hour passed. and then.... she messaged me back. and indeed it was the lost girl with the sad eyes. She had actually been on Reece's Rainbow for over a year. We just hadn't seen or recognized her. We prayed. We inquired. and we committed! We are overjoyed and humbled to introduce our daughter................

                                            Daddy never forgets a promise. <3

The FB post that grabbed my attention! 

Ukraine 2013 

If you would like to help us bring "Chelsea" Home we have set up a YouCaring site
https://www.youcaring.com/quinn-family-adoption-604945?code=df2c5e8e5d48d9d79dea797a84ec785540b4e32befe9b16ac1

What a Horrible Mother!

I have thought about writing this blog several times but it just never seemed like the right time.
In a world of so much calamity and fear we have become a very "alert" society. I myself try to be aware of my surroundings and alert at every turn. I have five small young children with special needs. Isn't that what is expected of me. I have watched a million shows about murder, rapes, child kidnappings, pedophiles, drowning, choking................. I want to be a GOOD mom! I don't want to fail my children. So I am constantly checking doors, windows, safety, safety, safety!!!!! I paid for expensive swim lessons to prevent drowning. We practiced what they learned every day after swim lessons. What a great mom I was being! Other mom's surely will say I am doing well. I proudly posted a swimming Edgar on FB. Many commented on how fantastic it was. One mom said "This instructor should be arrested and thrown in jail!" ......... Wait. Huh? Abusive swim lessons??? Yep. This fellow adoptive mother decided she didn't like my choice of swim instructors, my chosen method or ME! and made a call to DCF. She didn't like a video I posted on FB or my decision to delete her when she became insulting. She publicly accused me on FB of "abusing all of my disabled children". Despite the fact only two of the four were in swim lessons, and she had never met me or my children. She started up a lynch mob on social media consisting of her friends and family.  She felt my "traumatized orphan children" were being further traumatized by swim lessons.  Overlooking the fact that we lived in Florida, the drowning capital of the world. Ignoring the fact we had a swimming pool and that children with special needs were much more likely to drown than typical children. and............ she apparently had no qualms about separating "traumatized children" from the only loving home they knew.  She didn't care about facts or accuracy, only painting a picture that suited her vengeful agenda.  It was a sad and painful time. Yet, I forgive her. I decided I would not be angry or get revenge and instead did a local news piece on special needs, drowning and the importance of survival swim lessons. My pediatrician and swim instructor joined me. Edgar swam under water smiling his great big Edgar smile! A local Autism Group contacted the instructor to teach survival swim to their students with Autism. It was incredible!

So I watch FB and see this... "OMG I saw a mom put her child in the car without a seat belt, I got the tag and called the police!" I watched as other moms applauded her and called her a hero! Others called the mom a "horrible mother" and vilified her. Perhaps feeling better about their own "imperfect" parenting. Another friend posts.... "Did you see this article? Her children were in the street! Watch your F-ing kids people or don't have them!" and another... "These parent's are idiots. They let their six year old use the bathroom by herself and she was molested. These parent's don't deserve children." .........

A week after moving into our new home we had not yet had the chance to completely childproof although we thought the kids were secure. One day the boys were out playing in our new fenced in back yard. We loved the idea of a 8 foot privacy fence! Now the boys could play outside! Sand boxes, swing sets, running and playing without mom keeping them on a leash! What fun! Bogdan, Lettie and Dunham had just laid down for naps. Gage was sitting on the couch with a sippy cup watching Mother Goose Club. Edgar had decided he wasn't ready to come in yet and was sitting in his favorite spot in the yard. I really needed to stay inside with the other four and fold some laundry. I opened the french doors in my bedroom and living room and begun folding laundry. Peeking out at Edgar every minute or so sitting in his dirt spot playing with his trucks. What a gorgeous day I thought to myself. Just perfect. Marty was out front working on a customers boat. A fresh breeze was blowing in. Check on Edgar, yep playing in dirt. Hang shirts. Check on Edgar, yep playing in dirt. Put away Lettie's blankets.  Dog barking. Check on Edgar. Edgar? Edgar! "He's over here!" The neighbor behind me shouted. My heart dropped. I ran to the fence and stood on a bench to see over. "HOW did he get over there!?" "He JUST fell over. He climbed the fence!" She said. The neighbor had a pool (pretty glad I got those "abusive" swim lessons). Standing on her own bench she handed Edgar back over the fence. Several adults were standing in her yard. I wondered briefly what they thought about this "horrible mother". She smiled and said "My daughter has autism. I know how it is. My daughter has gotten away from me twice." I wanted to hug her!!! For taking away my fears. For not judging me. For understanding. The other adults smiled and walked over to the fence. We laughed and made friends. I told her about the swim lessons, she wanted more info for her daughter. She asked to have coffee I gratefully agreed.
I decided to take some additional precautions that day. We moved the bench first of all! ;) We got all the safety locks and door knobs in place. I called the local Sheriff's office and added Edgar and Dunham to the "Potential Wanderer" list. We got missing child kits and added all the children's info. AND I created a flyer and passed it out to all of my immediate neighbors letting them know who we were and about our children's special needs. Phew! Yep! All in ONE day! This "terrible mom" took precautions. But this day was not over yet.....

I called my good friend to share with her my eventful day, and she shared this with me... She had taken her daughter to the craft store along with her older, typical son's. Not sure on their ages but my guess would be 11 and 13? While she sat in the car with them waiting, her 16 year old daughter called needing assistance inside the store. It was a beautiful day, like I mentioned earlier, the weather was perfect! The windows were down in the car. She told the boys to sit tight be good and she would be back in just a minute. After a few minutes she was checking out when a intercom page asked the owner of (her vehicle) to come to customer service. She did. Standing at the counter was an angry woman. The woman said "You left your children alone in the car!!? What is wrong with you!? I would NEVER do that!" My friend was speechless. She stared at the woman. The woman continued to insult her until she quietly walked away. I have known this friend for years, she has three special needs adopted children and she is by far one of the BEST mother's I know. But here on this day..... this very strange special day, we both shared this awful sinking feeling that we were somehow "horrible moms". We questioned ourselves .... doubt began sinking into our minds. Perhaps we underestimated what it would take to care for so many children? We second guessed our decisions to fold laundry and leave teens in a car.

but.... this day wasn't over yet ;)

After dinner I decided to get out of the house for a bit. I grabbed up Gage and we walked out to the van to head to my favorite "ME" Time spot, Target. As we reached the van I notice an adorable little boy was standing in the driveway of my neighbor's house. He was around 18mo? I looked around for his mother. No mom. Anyone? nope. I noticed the big garage door was open and it occurred to me he must have gotten out of the house that way and nobody knew he was gone. A car was coming.... the boy darted into the street. I yelled "STAY HERE" to Gage and darted for the boy. I knew Gage would stay put. He just does. and this was an emergency! The car stopped just as I reached the boy and a man jumped out. He looked panicked. "Its ok" I told him. "I got him." As I walked up to my neighbors door carrying her son, it was not too soon for me to reflect on how ironic it was I had just put a flyer on her door two hours earlier because of "fence jumper".  I knocked. The mother and two men came to the door. Dad and an Uncle? The mother was young, pregnant, 7 months? She gasped "Oh my God! How did he get out? how? where?" She looked panicked. So much like me earlier that day. I explained where I found him. She was so grateful. She said "We were JUST discussing your flyer!" I smiled and said "It happens, we are all mom's. We have to look out for each other." I told her about Edgar's fence jumping. We spoke about her pregnancy and photography and we all became friends. I couldn't wait to share this with my friend and called her on my way to Target. She too had a similarly redeeming experience. As she took an evening walk with her youngest a neighbor stopped to tell her how beautiful her baby was. This stranger said "You should have lots of children!" These incredible moments to the end of an emotional day, was a sign. A sign of encouragement from a Savior that loves us, walks with us. He is never wrong. He didn't make a mistake in choosing us to parent these children! Despite our imperfections, we are the perfect parents for our children.

You see... we have a choice friends. We can continue to tear one another down because we disagree or don't like how someone else parents. We can bully other mom's to feel better about our own imperfections. We can vilify and attack others character and even call DCF over swim lessons. We can belittle one another in the craft store or proudly declare ourselves hero's on FB. Or......... we can stop. Show Grace, understanding, kindness. We can lend a hand, make a friend, and truly care for other mother's and their children. We have four adopted children with special needs. This is unusual. Some people want to know why??? Why would someone want these "broken" children. They decide we must have an ulterior motive and they will uncover it and report it! Some people want something to talk about Other's want to be a hero and "fix" or "save" our children from ????????????  Therapy? Swim lessons? Bath time?

I have a third neighbor. She is an older woman. She lives with her grown son. When I was passing out my flyers she asked "why do you need so many children?" Her glaring eyes and smirk were familiar to me. I had seen it on many faces during this season in my life. I saw it on the faces of the Chinese exchange students at Sea World. I saw it on the faces of fancifully dressed Ukrainians as they walked past me looking disgustedly at Edgar. I had even seen this look on the faces of friends and family. I know this look. This voice of disdain. She doesn't like children I thought. Especially "foreign adopted special children". Today, I saw her son peeking through the fence. He was watching Bo. Bo was wearing his usual preferred attire "a diaper" and rolling around in a pile of leaves. The other kids had just gone inside with daddy to get baths. But Bo takes longer and likes to be alone. He doesn't play like "normal" kids because he can't keep up and he is special and unique. He likes rolling around in the dirt and grass. I don't know why... He can't tell me. But I can assume that it feels good to be in the sun after four years in a crib. I was sitting on the porch watching him when I spotted the neighbor. Why was my neighbor watching? I don't know? Was he judging the boy with CP? The mom who let her son with CP roll around in dirt? Did he see what I see? A miracle? A little boy free and loving mother earth? or was it something more sinister? I got up quickly and brought Bo inside.

I thought this blog would flow better. That it would have an end point or some deep meaningful lesson. Maybe I am just an imperfect mom sharing her heart. Maybe I am tired of having to explain why I make the decision's I do as a mother. Maybe I just want to ask that everyone stop judging and tearing each other down and instead show other mom's grace, love and friendship. Maybe I want you to stop and think....... Maybe that little boy with CP isn't unloved, neglected and abandoned in a pile of leaves. Maybe his mama is watching him from the porch, tears in her eyes, watching her beautiful son covered in dirt and thanking God for his very many blessings!