Our son "Andrushka"

I am certain the day you found out you were expecting was quite a day. Whether is was planned, unplanned, exciting, frightening, sad..... I don't know. But I know you likely remember it clearly. Whatever emotions you were feeling at some point you wondered just what this child was like? Boy? Girl? Will it look like me or him? Will he have blue eyes? Red hair or blonde? How exciting for Andrushka's older sibling. I know that you were married and had another child, 7 years old. I do not know if that child were a boy or girl but certainly they watched your belly grow..... They wondered about this little life growing inside you. They rubbed your belly and felt the kicks, the hiccups? I am certain as married people you prepared your home for this new little one. Were you hoping for a daughter since you already had a son? Or vice versa? Did you care as long as the baby was "healthy"?

When your contractions started and your healthy baby boy was born full term at 3.5 kilos did you have his name picked out? Did you refuse to give it to him because he was not worthy? Were your mother, sister, husband there? When they told you of his diagnosis, his extra little chromosome did you cry? Did you refuse to hold him? Did you think he was cursed? Refuse to feed him? Did you beg your husband to let you keep him or silently grieve and agree to give him up. What did you tell your family and friends? Did you tell them the child died? Were you ashamed that you would make an "imperfect" child? What did you tell your 7 year old? You knew what the future held for him by sending him away to an orphanage.

 I am torn between compassion, pity, anger, forgiveness, gratitude.... I have lived in your country, your region, ....your neighborhood?....for nearly two months. Have I walked past you? Have I sat next to Andrushka's babushka at the cafeteria? I understand this is a hard life for common people. Decaying post soviet apartment buildings, corrupt politicians, nightmarish transportation, and poverty. I know that this is a hard life. I know it would have been a lot of work. I know that your family, friends, may not have understood or have whispered behind your back....I know because I am living that journey. Gods journey. "All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me". I have fought for your son for seven months. Spent $30k. Flown on 18 airplanes. Hundreds of people have donated, prayed and fought for your son. I have been away from my children and have gone weeks without holding my own infant son.

I want you to know that he was worth fighting for. Only God knows why you couldn't, wouldn't......... I want you to know that he is loved beyond measure. That he WILL do great things and that his story will inspire many other families to adopt. He will bring wisdom to those who see Down Syndrome as a curse. He will love and be loved and he will do all of this just by being himself, our beloved son...                                                            
                                                              Andriy Dunham Quinn.

Losing Dunham....

January. Things in kyiv were heating up. The stress of adoption was catching up to me, when I received a seemingly uneventful friend request from someone I did not know. We had several adoption friends in common, so I assumed it was just another family being friendly. Moments after accepting the request I received a private message. The message basically read...."we are in country and our child's paperwork is not ready, we received a referral on Dunham. Unless you say otherwise we will accept the referral. We hope this does not affect your process..."  My heart leaped into my throat and I sat stunned. I could hardly speak when I called my husband who without hesitation said "No we will not release him. he is our son." I hung up and called my good friend, sister in Christ, and fellow adoptive mother, ________. Sobbing I asked her what is the "right" thing to do?! I love this child! He IS my son! How can I give him up!? I thought instantly of the story of The Judgement of Solomon. My good friend in her wisdom, experience and stable emotions stated.... "Your son is not in any immediate danger. You are his mother. He will wait for you." I hung up and cried in a way I can imagine a mother losing her child would cry. It is then I knew that he was my child and God had declared him to be. I messaged back the other family. "No, we will not release him......" Several days passed with no communication. My fearful heart ached at the thought they would adopt him. I messaged....SEEN. No response.  I messaged again. SEEN. No Response. Finally a response. "We visited with "Dunham" today. My husband is having a difficult time turning him down....."  WHAT? They accepted his referral? They visited with him? My heart sunk, my throat closed. I pulled over to the side of the road. Hysterical I prayed. I had to work. I again insisted that they turn down the referral. She said that they would. I messaged the proper authorities at RR to let them know I was not releasing my commitment to Dunham. They assured me that he was safe and that the other family would not adopt him. I was angry, hurt, confused, scared. I continued on to work and that day I imagined Christ walking with me. Holding my hand. I moved over in the elevator to make room for him at the next office building I marketed. I clutched my hand imagining he was holding it. I wanted to drop to my knees in front of the world on the sidewalk and plead with God not to take my child from me. Oh it hurt so badly.... I could not even imagine the pain of a mother who has sent her child to Heaven.

The fear remained, as often fear does. It rooted itself into my heart and mind and began to take hold. The enemy was taking advantage. I could not think, eat, sleep, breathe..... I began using my asthma inhaler, that I hadn't used in months. I messaged the other family often to receive reassurance. She asked for my reassurance that we were coming and would not be frightened off by the events in Ukraine. I promised her we were coming! I prayed for them that God would give them comfort, guidance, bravery. I thought of their fear and broken hearts as they learned of their own child's paperwork issues and the frustration, exhaustion and pain they must be feeling. Weeks passed. One day I was extremely low. I called another good friend in process and cried. She was just as concerned about the protests in Kyiv. That is when an image came to me..... It was a beautiful sunny spring day, lovely flowers lined the sidewalk. I was pushing both of my boys in a stroller. It was so peaceful and beautiful and I knew it was from God. I was instantly filled with peace and hope.

When the other family announced their child's paperwork had been cleared and they were bringing home two amazing children that had no other family fighting to get to them, my heart leaped! Hooray for those two children, hooray for their new mama and papa and hooray for my healing heart! May God receive the glory of this amazing family that chose to obey God and trust in his plan for their family! The day we met Dunham we understood the magnitude of just what this family had done for us. The incredible sacrifice it must have been to be in this strange country, tired, broken hearted and confused..... Dunham with his gorgeous green eyes and reddish blonde hair and giant smile must have seemed like an absolute Angel! So tempting and perfect and simple to adopt this wonderful child..... But they did not succumb to the temptations of the enemy. I am certain they prayed, they fought their emotions and they won! They know who they are and they will surely read this blog. I want you to know that we are so very grateful. We pray for you often and ask God to bless your family endlessly for the blessing you have given us. Yesterday I walked my two precious boys in that stroller. It was a beautiful spring day. Just as God had promised. Thank you for giving me that gift.