But I realized something.
It was more about me than it was you buddy. The cycle needed to change. It was the cycle that needed "disruption" not you.... not your life, family, and certainly not our love for one another. But you couldn't fix it. Because you are just 5 years old. You are fighting your own battles within your own mind. It had to be me. It couldn't be anyone else. I am the one with you all day. I am the one struggling to "mommy" you. I had to change. You would have fixed it if you could have. I know you would. Because you love your mommy and you hate to see her sad and mad.
Your struggles are not going away D. You will always have DS, ADHD, and FAS. You didn't choose to have those things. I will provide you the therapies you need and the medications to help your impulsivity and trouble sleeping. But... I have to choose patience, kindness, control, perseverance, love. I get to choose. You didn't.
So what do I do? When I am already doing so much? When my plate is full but my tank is empty?
I clean the plate and fill the tank.
I choose to cut out unnecessary stress
I choose to limit appointments
I choose to put my photography on hold
I choose to eat healthy
I choose to work out
I choose to take relaxing baths
I choose to have mommy pamper days
I choose to hug when I want to yell
I choose to laugh when I want to cry
I choose to break the cycle
Its working. I have never been happier, more optimistic, more patient, more satisfied, more in love.
I hope you will make better choices too someday, D. But until you do, I will keep making my own good choices for both of us.
Today, I choose you.
Mommy and Dunham 2013