As I drove in the rain this evening, alone, quietly reflected on everything that has happened these past few weeks. I felt peaceful. The day had ended with a generous gift to Anna's fund and it gave me a renewed spirit. I am tired. My body is hurting! but.... I am satisfied.
I reflect often on how I handle things. People. People who are kind... people who are not so kind. Sometimes I am satisfied with how I handled things and sometimes I am disappointed in myself. I am not a patient person by any means. I have struggled with this my entire life. I insist on getting things done......yesterday! ;) I come from a 20 year high pace marketing career in health care. It was competitive and ruthless and it ate me alive at times. but..........it also made me strong. It gave me a confidence and persistence, that at times may seem aggressive to some of my friends that are a little more laid back, quiet, or unfamiliar with the working world. It is this "toughness" that has gotten me through the past four years of being pregnant at 38, giving birth at 39, adopting two special needs children, then two more and now a fifth! It is this "toughness" that gets the job done when five toddlers are all demanding my attention at the same time and I have a photography business to run. It is this same grit that gets me through brain surgeries, heart surgeries, therapies, seizures and flying poop! God gave me this strength. He did it, so he could use it. For His Glory. For His Purpose. Unfortunately I am human and I don't always handle this gift with grace. For that dear friends, I am sorry.
When I look at Anna's videos I see a gentleness. A child waiting. Patiently waiting for that day promised her. She has a sense about her that she "knows" we are coming. That she is simply waiting. I never quite understood why God brought us back for Bo and Lettie before Anna. Why he made us wait? Why he made her wait? but.... one thing I have learned is that whatever you think God is doing, it is likely he is actually doing something completely different. I am on a mission to "rescue" my daughter. but in reality... Anna is the one rescuing me. All of my children have challenged me, changed me, molded me and taught me things no adult or book could ever teach. I am excited to give Anna a better life. A bedroom and toys of her own. It will be a pleasure to read to her and brush her hair. Teach her to cook and be her mama. But I am also excited to see what my daughter has in store for me. What will she teach her old tired mama?
As I drove home in the rain I understood. Daddy promised Anna he would come back. It wasn't the kind of promise I could package into a neat manila folder and slap a deadline on. I couldn't write it in my agenda book and confidently look at it and think "yep, there it is. Right where I wrote it." It was Gods timing. All messy and painful and.........perfect. Anna somehow knows this? This knowledge that had escaped me and frustrated me. She carry's it. In her simplicity. Her simple trust. She trusts because she has God. Without being told or taught. The Holy Spirit lives in her. She is at peace in her soul. Although her belly may be hungry and she may be hurting she feels Gods peace. I want that peace. That rest. I want the innocent trust and faith that my daughter carries with her. I want to protect her and learn from her. Somehow she understands the orphanage is not her home.
As I turned down my street I smiled to see a beautiful rainbow. Gods Promise.