Picking up the Pieces

It has been a tough couple of weeks for our family. D is getting older. He is stronger, faster, bigger. His future is uncertain and that is a hard pill to swallow. Parents have dreams, ideas, hopes for their kids. Bio, adopted, special needs or typical. It doesn't matter. We see their future in our minds and have a picture of what that should look like. Oh it is a beautiful picture. The sky is the limit! Sometimes reality is different. Sometimes we have to let go of our vision of happiness and accept and embrace a new one. One that isn't necessarily unhappy and bleak. Just different. We have to grieve that old "idea" in our head and embrace a new one.

You see.... we have tried all the sensory, therapies, meds, we have been more strict, less strict, no reaction, different reaction! We have given rewards, restrictions and built a home and yard of Disney like proportions! We have cried ourselves to sleep and begged God to fix his broken parts. Broken isn't always beautiful. Sometimes it just sucks! We have done all that we can do with our bag of tricks. To no avail. The hitting, yelling and throwing... the damage and hurt continues. The pounding on the wall, the kicking, stemming....these aren't tantrums. This is brain damage. This is beyond Down Syndrome. This is Intermittent Explosive Disorder. This is Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This is severe sensory dis-regulation. This is survival.

There is no easy answer. There is no simple explanation. It is just reality. It has always been a part of who D is. It cycles and there are hills and valleys but those valleys are getting more concerning. D has to be safe. His siblings have to be safe. Sometimes special needs families have to call a Code Red and draw a hard line in the sand. This is when mama bears fall into a puddle of ugly crying and hot mess or a raging bull seeking resources. I chose all of the above. If you are in my inner circle or within the state of Florida you have likely received my SOS. We are exploring several avenues for our son. We will leave no stone unturned and we will not dismiss any possibility. We will do what is best for D even if it doesn't look like the future we planned for him. Even if it is not popular with others. We will parent our child the way we know he needs to be parented because WE ARE the experts! We know his triggers and needs and wants. We can predict them as if ESP is our second language. We know if it will be a good day or a bad day the moment he awakes. We know. Others will question, recommend, suggest, intervene............ but we must stay the course. Because we already know what doesn't work.

To the other moms out there walking hard truths, I see you. I hear you. You are a good mom. You didn't miss something. You didn't fail. You didn't do anything "wrong". Sometimes success isn't inclusion, limitless potential, independent living... Sometimes success is a day of no hitting or even an hour. A meal without throwing. A nap without fecal smearing. You are still a good mom if your child is in a typical classroom, a self contained class or a residential treatment program. You are parenting your child the best you can with the tools and resources you have. As mothers we carry the heaviest of burdens. We are the fixers. We know and love our child like no other human on this planet so surely this is our fault? If we had been more patient, tried harder, maybe the next person will have the answer? Ill call another friend..... I'll try that new therapy, that new med, that new purple weighted blanket with the soft mink cover......I'll try and try and try.... It is not your fault, you are not to blame. There is nobody to blame, sometimes the only thing left is acceptance.

It is not all doom and gloom mama. You can still delight in the joys. Joy can be found in the greatest of accomplishments or the small and mundane. Don't be sad mama. Find the smallest thing and soak it up. You are loving your child through the hardest of hards. You are not alone and because of your unending love neither is your child.

I love you D. I will pick up the pieces of this broken chair along with the pieces of my heart and I will find the joy in being your mama again, however, wherever, that takes us.

How do you do it?

Many people have asked us "How do you do it?" Below I will share with you what I believe makes us successful Adoptive, Big Family, Special Needs Parents!

Marriage- We have a VERY solid marriage. There is never a question of our loyalty, faithfulness or commitment to one another or our children. We are seasoned parents. We raised one another's step children to adult hood together. That worked out a lot of kinks! We prioritize one another and need one another in order to be successful each day. We do not hold grudges and we always put our family as a whole first. I will also say my husband is by far the very best father I have ever met! His father is one of the kindest men I know. He had wonderful parents and he is a reflection of that. He is involved and loving, fun and adventurous! I hope he thinks Im ok too. ;)

Duties- We have pretty clear "job titles" but stay flexible. Primarily Marty does all the yard work, pool care, house maintenance, auto repairs, and bill paying. I do majority of the kids medical, education, therapies, house cleaning and kid care. But I have been known to lay sod, paint walls, and stack fire wood! and Marty has never objected to cleaning house, cooking, and other duties normally reserved for me. We just get it done!!! We both have high expectations of ourselves, so we rarely need to be nagged to do what needs to be done. We just do it.

Organization- We are both pretty organized people. Sure we have a junk drawer and a cluttered cabinet or two. But in general we are very organized people. We both prefer things neat and orderly.

Cleanliness- Neither of us can stand a dirty house. We are constantly cleaning! Our beds are made first thing in the morning, no clothes on the floors or dirty counter tops. Dishes in the sink make me cringe! I even dry my sinks because I don't like water everywhere. The kids rooms are always neat and tidy. The best part is, they witness it so much they do it without being asked! Our kids argue over putting dishes in the sink and throwing garbage in the trash. They mimic everything they see us do! They naturally tidy and clean.

Problem Solving- We are both very much problem solvers. Its almost a competition between us to see who has a better solution! When the kids shoved their beds around their rooms, we screwed them to the walls. When the girls emptied their dressers and threw clothes everywhere, we locked it in the closet. When Dunham banged on his bedroom window so hard we feared it would break, we built an adorable wood shutter. I could go on all day about all the things we've done to de-stress our lives and keep them safe and happy.

Patience- Most things are temporary. Hang in there. Breathe. Problem Solve. Remove unnecessary stressors. Don't rush to do things for them that they can do themselves. (this is a hard one for me) After all if you do it for them they are only learning that you do it better. Let them try! If a catastrophe strikes go into the zone and just get the job done. Poop smeared everywhere? Yikes! That one is always frustrating. Suck it up. It is what it is, getting angry will only make it worse. Instead, problem solve! Backward onesie? layers? You got this! If all else fails, have a glass of wine!  

Fun- We LOVE to have fun!! We created a backyard we could truly enjoy with them! having six little kiddos will limit your day trips and amusement is expensive. So we brought the fun to us! Swimming pool, swing set, zipline, play house, sand box, mini petting farm, atv's, go karts, ......we have an endless supply of things to keep our littles happy, busy and sensory satisfied! We also love parties! Every Holiday and every birthday is an excuse to bake a cake and have fun!

Therapies- It took me a long time to get the OT, PT, ST, ABA services in place for our kids. In our home! Driving them to therapies and waiting around for 3 hours while they all got services one at a time was absolutely ridiculous. Not gonna happen. Not in their best interest or mine! Now all of our therapists come to us! They are like family and I am able to observe without staring at a waiting room wall for hours! I can still do laundry, teach the other kids, clean etc. It just makes sense! It took a lot of phone calls and patience but in the end it makes our lives so much better.

Education- Our kids are all homeschooled. For starters our public school was not able to accommodate all six of my kids. They would have had to go to 3 different schools!!! haha! No. Not happening. Could you imagine that debacle? Good grief. Not this mama. Second, I like knowing my kids are safe. They are mostly non verbal and lets face it this world is getting scary lately! I like knowing they are safe at home and it is I that is wiping their bottoms and kissing their boo boo's. They are still very little. I hired a teacher that comes three days a week and works one on one with each of the kids. She is incredibly qualified and her teaching methods are phenomenal! She is persistent but kind and the kids are growing, learning, safe and happy! The kids also have an education grant that pays for their teacher and everything they need for learning, therapy and sensory! The Florida Gardiner Grant rocks!

Support System- Oh boy are we blessed! Between the slew of therapists and educators in our home each week, the kids also have their adult big sister here all week long! They adore her and she is hands down my greatest asset! They have two amazing sets of grandparents that adore them. They each have god-parents, aunties, uncle's and cousins that think the world of them. These same individuals give us the support and respite we need and the love and acceptance our children desire. They are also the individuals that will step up to care for our children should the both of us expire unexpectedly. Having a plan in place in case of tragedy is a must! We are lucky to have more than enough people willing and able to care for our kiddos.

Income- We are very smart and frugal about our money. Our vehicles are paid for. We clean our own pool, mow our own lawn, do our own repairs and remodeling. We don't pay anyone for something we can do ourselves. We don't care to compete with the joneses or own new cars, or designer clothes. Marty owns his own business and builds outdoor play centers for children. He can also restore anything! He is absolutely brilliant when it comes to restoring and flipping boats, cars, or anything with a motor. We love a good barter and many of our friends do too! Trading services and favors is a great way to save money! His work from home, flexible schedule also allows him to be home with us and lending a helping hand!

Time- Surely some days everything just doesn't get done. Such is life. I don't beat myself up or give myself a hard time. I just tackle it again tomorrow. Sometimes laundry sits. That's ok! Daily activities can be a great opportunity to spend one on one time with kids! When I have to run errands I grab a kid! Grocery shopping can be an opportunity to teach math or colors or sing silly songs. Dr appointment for one kid? I put down the cell phone and talk/play/teach them in that lobby! Sitting on the couch watching a movie? time to snuggle! Everyone's napping except Gage and Edgar? Lets swim! Bath time = play time! I try to turn daily activities into opportunities to bond with them and give them one on one attention.


Love- Yes! I love every single one of my children! I hear constantly from friends and family how much "love" there is in our home. We are always dancing, singing, wrestling, and laughing! All the kids love one another and fight with one another just like "real" siblings do! No we are not "like" a daycare". We don't take care of other peoples kids. These are our kids! We are mommy and daddy and they are all ours! Whether they like it or not lol!

Adoption- Will we adopt again? I sure hope so! I love our big, fun, beautiful family. We have talked endlessly about what is ideal for us. We investigated foster care and other options. Although we live fearlessly for Jesus we are also realistic. We are very established in our therapies and "system" and it is a perfectly designed world for our littles. Ideally we would love to adopt another child with Down Syndrome. We just really love our DS kiddos and we are equipped to handle anything they throw at us. (sometimes literally!) We will wait to see what God has in store and in the meantime keep "killing it" at this parenting thing! ;)

Grace- For your husband, your children, and mostly for you! I am constantly pep talking myself. Self Reflection. Respite. Self Love. Give yourself a high five girl you just tackled five kids with strep throat and diarrhea while you were sick yourself! Now thats some super star sh*t right there!