Unworthy

 Today I posted a few pics of Willow's Room. I have been blessed to find and receive free clothing, furniture and other used items. I absolutely LOVE old things. Antiques but also used items placed on the side of the road because their owner decided they were not good enough or were past their prime. I am always curious as to the history of these things. The ugly brown coffee table missing its glass sitting behind the shop of a flea market..... to me its Victorian shape and soft curves were perfect! Even the owner of the used furniture shop had no use for it! I had Marty squeeze it into the van and brought it home. I took out the jig saw and cut down a piece of "bead board" painted it white and sanded it just enough to look shabby chic. Perfect!!! I love that table. It sits in my living room. A new life. Brought back from its certain trip to the dump. I sometimes think of the owner and how they "missed out on such a great piece"! All of my rooms are filled with things I've found or people have thrown out. Yard Sales, Flea Markets and Garbage Day excite me the way shoes, jewelry or purses excite other women. As I lovingly helped Marty paint and restore Willow's crib and changing table we had picked up from the side of the road, I thought...... To Christ WE are like these things. We are broken, scarred, "past our prime". Yet he see's us as beautiful! He loves us. I look at my children this way. The way Christ looks at us. I do not see their flaws and imperfections. I know that they are there, just as Christ knows ours. But I simply see with love. I know with attention and nutrition.... they can be renewed. I know through Christ they are Redeemed! I often think about their birth parents and how they are missing out on such wonderful children! They saw them as worthless. They were labeled "Unworthy". But Christ says "Lift up your head!" You have a new name, a new life, and a hope that will carry you home!

Why are they adopting......again?

"Why are they adopting..... again?"
This is one of the most exhausting questions. It is nearly impossible to explain WHY we chose to dedicate our entire lives to children/adults with special needs to those that are blinded by worldly standards. The negative messages relayed through family members and the text messages are not common but they creep into our world just the same. I understand the mentality. I even comprehend the logic. I just find responding exhausting because at the end of my "well practiced" speech I still get "the look". sigh*

Let me first start by saying Marty and I had very successful careers. We both worked extremely hard. I as a Marketing Rep in Healthcare and Marty as a General Manager of a car lot. We had a boat,  motorcycle and vacationed in the Florida Keys or took our older two to Disney on a whim. I shopped constantly for the latest styles and I had more than my share of material things. My daughters prom dress was ridiculously expensive and we bought her car cash for her 16th Birthday. Our son had a four wheeler, a small boat, and an expensive bicycle. Life was good. ..........or so we thought. Our children were getting older and Marty and I were spending more time with our friends. We were eating out, having drinks and enjoying life. .... or so we thought. As time went on. The hangovers got old. The company got stale. The Party Life we had envisioned for so long when we were young and raising babies prematurely..... suddenly seemed stupid. Just stupid. I felt like a fool running around partying at 35! I heard Christ calling me. I would begin speaking about my love for Christ at BBQ's while with our "usual group". They laughed in their drunken haze or started arguments about their own genius agnostic view of the world. It wasn't long before I couldn't stand myself! The revealing clothes. The fight to remain as thin as a twenty year old. The continuous working out. The jealousy. The back talking. The rumors. The gossip. I hated it all!!! I hated myself! I hated work. I hated "The Joneses" and I HATED the Status Quo! It was clear to us this "life" we dreamed about for so long.... new cars and parties and shopping was NOT for us. It left us empty, bored and miserable.

We were both on the same page. We "not so slowly" abandoned our old friends and began staying home. A LOT! We prayed. We watched a lot of TV. and we ate a LOT of Dairy Queen. We became even MORE bored! "I cant do this!" I told Marty. I don't want to party for the next 40 years like a washed up old woman! and I certainly do not want to sit here for 40 years eating Dairy Queen and watching American Idol!!!!!! Ugh!!! That evening I specifically prayed to God to show me my purpose. To reveal it to me. I had wasted so much time! I did NOT want to waste ANY more and I needed to know now! A half hour later I emailed a woman on Craigslist about her "Berkey Water Filter", she was selling. I was surprised to see this particular item on Craigslist because it was so specific. She emailed me back. At the bottom of her message was a link to her Facebook Page and Blog. I clicked on them. I instantly knew I was to meet this woman. The next day while picking up the water filter I met the woman that would change our lives. That woman was ..... Lindy House.

As I approached her front door, it flew open and I was greeted by Levi. He eagerly scaled my body like a monkey. Wrapping his arms and legs around me and smiling from ear to ear. Lindy was right behind him with Kole clinging to her. "I am so so sorry." she said, reaching for Levi. "Oh no!" I said. "I love him!" and I did. I fell madly in love with the House family that day. Their story, every member of their family, their love for Christ! I wanted it! ALL of it! I wanted THAT life!!! I wanted THAT story! I wanted to live without regret, without restraint, without apology!!! I wanted to LIVE!!

That evening I showed Marty Reece's Rainbow. My head was spinning! I was eager to contact Lindy again but didn't want to be stalker-ish! I thought nothing of Marty sitting in his chair with his laptop for hours. Until.... he looked at me and said "I want to do this." "Do what?" I asked. "Adopt." he replied. "Really?" I said. I didn't think in a million years he would agree to adopt!!! Is this the same man that had refused to give me a baby for ten years!?!? I couldn't believe it! He was serious. My husband is either IN or OUT. He is NEVER in-between. So I knew he was dead serious. I was excited, overjoyed, nervous and..................mad? Why am I mad!!??  I realized that his willingness to adopt was a punch in the gut to me because I so desperately wanted to BE pregnant! My daughter had been born when I was 19 and it was a tough experience. Marty had a son we had raised together. But we had no children of our own. I wanted a "good" pregnancy experience with the man I loved! I was soooo confused! Oh but friends!!! Our God gives us far more than we could ever imagine when we are obedient. He had a plan we knew nothing about! A plan to bless us with not only our own biological baby BUT two wonderful amazing adopted sons and THEN to do it again!!!??? I told my husband my desire to be pregnant.

That following summer we gave birth to our son Gage Leland Quinn. Lindy House recorded our Birth Story. Only one month later we committed to Dunham. One month after that.... Edgar. We sold the boat to buy a mini-van. We sold the motorcycle to supplement our bills while traveling and pay for the home study. After much sacrifice we brought our boys home June 7th 2014. Lindy allowed her 14 year old daughter to travel with me for the final trip to Ukraine to bring the boys home. Half a world away with a woman she met on Craigslist! lol! Friends, that is a God thing! That one prayer. The willingness to say yes. Sacrifice and commitment. We have been overwhelmed by the plan our Heavenly Father has for us! So God has once again called us to act. To move. We know it will be hard. We know it will be rough. We also know we will once again receive Gods incredible light, love and life!

So back to the question "Why are they adopting .... again?"

We have
Less money.
Less "things".
Less sleep!
Less free time.
Less energy.
Less regrets.
Less hangovers.
and Less drama.

More laughter.
More love.
More hope.
More joy.
More family.
and More Jesus

If you read this blog post and you still ask the question "Why?" I cannot ever answer enough of your questions or rebuttal enough of your objections to leave you satisfied.
 It is Christ you are seeking. Not answers.

Gift from God

Sweet sweet "Ernie". I never imagined so many people were praying for you. You have quite the fan club here in the U.S. I looked up your Ukrainian name today..... it means "Gift from God". Oh dear son you have no idea how true that is! I cant remember the first time I saw your face on Reece's Rainbow. You have always just..... been there. I am told you are a quiet boy. Maybe that is why it took so long to get your foolish mommy's attention? Once you had it...you haunted my dreams, drowned out my thoughts and burned your image deep in my soul. I could not breath until I committed to you and I cannot rest until I hold you in my arms! I know you will find joy in our home. I know you will find friends, fun, comfort and love. You will forever be a beloved member of a family. Your brothers will be your best friends and your Daddy will protect you. As your mommy I promise to teach you things, kiss your boo boos, defend you and occasionally reprimand you. I promise I will always have time for hugs and kisses and playing fort, legos, and wrestling! (your brothers really like wrestling!) We will go to Disney, go camping, go swimming and Birthday Parties! and some of those parties will be just for you! I will be dreaming of tucking you in and kissing you goodnight. Until then sweet son, I send my kisses on Angel wings.... sweet dreams!

                                                            Our Beloved Son......

Unsung Heros "Nanny Ann"

I want to take a moment to recognize someone that works beside me EVERY day, caring for the boys. She never complains and is always a great listener. Wherever the boys are she is sure to be....
   She cleans the floors after every meal and is always tidying them up, keeping their hands and faces handsome and clean. She loves playing with them and keeps them entertained while I am busy cleaning. She is quiet during their nap time and sometimes lays with them to keep them warm. She rarely asks for anything in return. She gives the best hugs and kisses and the boys all adore her. She protects them and cares for them as if they were her own. She is a wonderful friend.
             
               Meet Lilly Ann aka "Nanny Ann"! 

Trust without Borders

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
-Hillsong United

The Lord calls us to care for the less fortunate. The widows and orphans in their time of need. So what do we do when there are 153,000,000 orphans and 2.2 Billion Christians and few are adopting? Why is adopting orphans considered "radical"? Why do so many say they "cannot" adopt, when in truth they simply "will not" adopt? 

 I'll tell you what our local adoption group does. We ADOPT! Again, and again, until our arms can hold no more, our hearts are bursting and our tired bodies collapse each night in a heap of tears, love, and contentment. How many are enough? When do you stop saving the lives of dying children? You DONT! You NEVER stop caring. You sacrifice the unnecessary and you beg for others to take notice of the ONE you are trying to save TODAY! You fundraise until 2am and skip lunch so that you can blog, FB, and Twitter your child's face. You take advantage of every nap your other children take to fill out mounds of paperwork and squeeze every penny you can from the household budget. You allow your grey hair to stripe you like a skunk and you reconsider whether or not you truly need any personal luxuries at all (toilet paper). Everything is negotiable because there is a life at stake! You pray you will be approved. That your paperwork will be perfect and that you will not lose sight of your Heavenly Father. You beg him to remain close so you can feel his constant reassuring presence and you plead with him to keep your child safe. You ask him for patience, funding, and wisdom to make the right decisions.

So when do you stop adopting? When the 7% of Christians that are called to adopt, have faith. When they... "Walk upon the Waters, Wherever He should Call Them, and Trust without Borders."

This is our daughter ........Willow. Will you help us bring her home?

 Tax Deductible Donations for Willow

To the friend who had an abortion...

I still love you.

Some time ago I received a message from a long time friend. She had seen my many Pro-Life posts and wanted to "confess" to me her own abortion. She was afraid I would think differently of her.

Dear Friend,
I am so sorry that you carry this burden. You are not alone in your guilt, shame, remorse.... Thousands of other women share your pain. You see sweet friend, the world has lied to all of us. There is an enemy of this world that is very much REAL. He works diligently night and day to oppress Gods children. To convince them God does not exist. Without God we are free to do whatever we desire. Whatever is "convenient" for us. Whatever pleases us. Without shame, guilt or remorse. He is a liar. God does exist. He is a loving God. He has given us His Word, to protect us from this evil. His word is clear. It does not waiver. He loves us.

I know that you think of this child often. Would it have been your only daughter? Another delightful, funny, handsome son? Would they have looked like you? What a wonderful gift a sibling would have been for your only son. I grieve with you. With all of you. You are not alone. Know that your child is safe in the arms of Jesus. One day you will be reunited! THAT is the gift of a loving God! He takes our ugly and he makes it beautiful. Your child is not gone forever.

Now that you know the lie. The deceit. The terrible evil that is "abortion". Do not hide from me. From God. From those that might judge you. The voice of evil is loud! It is drowning out the voice of TRUTH! Our voices must be louder. You can make a difference. Save others from a life of remorse. You are worthy! You are beautiful! You are loved!

Forever,
Your Friend

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Finally coming clean. I have PAB.

I have exactly 17 blog posts that I started and never completed. Some because my boys keep me so busy. But mostly because my mind is completely GONE! I have an illness far worse than writers block or pregnancy brain.........I have full blown Post Adoption Brain. This is the worst of the worst friends. I have fallen head over heels, madly, deeply, passionately in love with my boys! I can hardly keep a straight thought typing this post. I am determined to complete this if it kills me! I cannot tell you how amazingly perfect each of my children are. This adoption experience has been the absolute journey of my life. It has changed me far more than I could have ever expected. One day I will share my life story of redemption (it is truly way to complicated for a PAB brain to type up). So lets just stick with the "After the Rainbow" story. ;)

Edgar 3 years, started school this week. His teacher clearly thinks he is the greatest. She scoops him up when I bring him in. Edgar loves school! He stands at the front door all dressed with his back pack on waving "bye bye" to us. We drive him to school and he goes to his teacher and waves bye again. He is signing without being prompted. This is fantastic! He can tell us "eat" "more" "drink" without being asked! He is becoming VERY curious about the house and his environment and his expectations and limitations. He is constantly pushing us to see just how far he can go. He loves to make people laugh! He pretends to fall over and over again just so we will all clap and say "oh no Edgar fell!" He is potty training and doing pretty darn well. He loves his little brothers and tries to take care of them, marching around handing them bottles and toys, and stroking their heads when they cry. He likes to be in charge and randomly closes cabinets and pushes in chairs, cleans and organizes. The biggest Edgar bombshell? Two weeks ago I noticed Edgars arm looked shorter than his other arm. Upon further inspection I realized his right arm was an inch shorter and the elbow did not bend completely!? How in the world had I missed this!!! I brought him in for x-rays and he is scheduled to see an Ortho on the 20th. Apparently he was born with this deformity but there appears to be an old injury involved as well. We will find out if a surgery will be necessary in the future :/ He has OT and ST at school and outside OT and ST. He is still pending strabismus surgery in January. Edgar is the smartest, sweetest three year old I know. I am so proud to be his mommy!

Dunham 2 years. This boy is an absolute Angel! He has the biggest smile I have ever seen. He is the easiest going and my least demanding child. He is so quiet and content sucking his fingers and watching the action. He is eating with his own hands. When he first came home he would not eat solids or hold his own bottle. He holds his own bottle and feeds himself. Apples, bananas, cereal, anything! Next we will work on sippy cup and spoon. He loves us. This is HUGE! He sat on his daddy's lap today playing with his little foot, eating chicken nuggets. He is a son. He is our son. He knows it. He LOVES music. He is quite the dancer. He has grown and finally hit 20lbs. He is a total stud and works the camera ;) I wish my PAB would allow me to emphasize this incredible little boys talents and good looks but it simply isn't the case. God has blessed me with this love fog. It is truly a blessing that allows me to clear my mind of things that are unimportant and focus only on healing hearts, minds and bodies of his beloved children.

Baby Gage 13 mo. My handsome gift from God. The blessing for being obedient. I longed for years for a biological child from my husband. Our older children are from previous relationships. My husband had always said "no". After he opened his heart to adoption, God blessed us with the pregnancy of Baby Gage! Gage was 1.5 months when we committed to Dunham. God has his own plan. His plan blesses abundantly! Far more than our dreams could ever conceive! Gage is a sensitive, thoughtful child. He is observant and careful. The opposite of both his brothers! He is a momma's boy and takes his time before approaching others. He does not like to rough play, wrestle or fight. He likes tickles and cuddles, quiet time and music. He loves anything with a motor (just like his big brother Austin and Daddy). He likes to use his hands and puts everything in his mouth. He will likely stick things in his ear like Bubba (Austin) and wind up dragging us to the ER a time or two. He is beautiful, mysterious, an old soul. He thinks his brothers are hysterical and is innocently oblivious to any differences in their chromosomes. I am certain he will protect them, defend them, and love them for a life time.

I cannot say that every day is perfect or that it isn't hard work. However, I cannot say that it is all that hard either. I am at a point in my life that I am not all that concerned about Starbucks or perfect Abs, driving a Lexus or working to keep up with the Joneses..... I just want to laugh, love, give, sacrifice, please God. If it were ten years ago I would likely be miserable, confused, easily stressed. Now on the worse days, I call a friend, drink a glass of wine, go shopping with my daughter Alexis or talk with my husband or pray to God. Oh who am I kidding! I do those things simply because I enjoy doing them! (:  Life is Good. God is Good. We are happy and the secret is out, I have PAB.

Home Sweet Home

Dunham and Edgar have been home for 4 whole months now! Their smiles are bigger than ever and they have already learned so much! We are so focused on them we have little time for anything else. We are together constantly! We took our first trip to visit family in Alabama this month. The boys loved it! All their aunties spoiled them and their cousins and NaNa too! Today we went to the Fall Corn Maze and had a blast. I think pictures say a million words......

                                      

Just Pics!!

Our Family

Daddy and his three boys

Still in Kiev Ukraine 

First visit third trip

Edgar loves books! 

Edgar is super flexible!

My loves!

First hug third trip, "Mama"!

Dunham going for a ride!

Dunham relaxing in the swing

Edgar being silly!

Big Sissy and Dunham 

Daddy and Edgar napping :/

Baby Gage loves food! 

Sweet Edgar getting fitted for glasses

Baby Gage cooling off and looking serious!

Talking Ukraine politics.....

Their bedroom

Mommy and Edgar!

Typical Morning

Gage hates clothes!!

Edgar and his best friend! 

Another bedroom pic....

Fairy tale or a load of poop? Maybe a little of both!

We have been home three weeks. It was a bit chaotic at first. Trying to catch up on sleep and file with the Ukraine Embassy and all the other responsibilities... We have kept them on somewhat of a schedule and it has begun to stick. The two U boys are in their room and sleep through the night. Although Edgar is sleeping in the playpen since he refuses to stay in his toddler bed and I refuse to put him in a crib. Baby Gage does not sleep through the night yet and is still in our room. Wake up is about 7:30am, Breakfast is around 8am. Then all three boys play in the playroom and I play their Signing Times Videos, until 9:30, then the two babies take a nap while Edgar eats his snack and plays. The babies are up around 11:00 and play until lunch 12:00. After Lunch around 1:30 Edgar takes his nap while the babies play. Edgar is up around 2:30 and the babies lay down for their 3:00 nap. This works well in that I have less little's all at once. At 4:30 all the boys eat their dinner and then play while we eat ours. Somewhere in there they get baths! Sometimes their play time will involve swimming or the swing, store, etc. My favorite time is before bedtime. Daddy and I snuggle with all three boys and listen to gentle music while we give the babies their bedtime bottles. It is so quiet and peaceful. The babies are so relaxed and Edgar takes turns snuggling up to us and yawning. They are so comfortable.

The Boys.....Edgar is such a ham! He is so sweet and is learning he does not have to hit and bite to protect himself or communicate. He understands no, sit, stand, sleep, eat, drink, bye-bye, Mama, and Dada. He says "Mama". He mimics everything we do! He throws his own diapers away and the babies diapers. Just say "Edgar, garbage." and he takes care of it! He is curious about everything and loves to clean! He picks up his playroom and walks around "sweeping". He feeds his stuffed monkey with an empty bowl and spoon. He puts monkey in the desk (like a high chair). He loves all the stuffed animals and kisses, hugs and interacts with them. It is so stinking sweet! His glasses come this week! So excited for him to be able to see! The Dr said he will see the world completely differently and shouldn't mind keeping his glasses on since he is so curious and smart already.... he will love seeing the world! He wears his sunglasses now and doesn't seem to mind them. He doesn't really mind glasses and hats. Dunham and Gage.... not so much!

Dunham, is just amazing! Everyone just loves him! He has this hysterical face we call "fight face" he makes it whenever he is mad. He frowns and his eyes get huge!! He looks very scary! ;) He yells "Ba!" and that is a warning right before "fight face"!! Be afraid! Be very afraid! He greets us with a giant grin every time he wakes up or you pick him up or ......whenever! His favorite toy is the dogs bowls :/  He loves swimming with Big Sissy. (I think he is her favorite) She takes him everywhere! Target, The Mall, anywhere and everywhere! She secretly wants him for herself! He is very strong and can pull himself up on anything and does pull ups when you hold his hands! He is now eating a little bit of solids..... not much but way better than he was. He is really starting to bond with us now and is less moody. It is clear that he has settled in. He and Gage are best buds and Baby Gage doesn't seem to mind all the action! He loves watching his brothers and tries to mimic them. He and Dunham like to play tug-a-war with toys. Gage screaming and Dunham yelling "Ba!" and making "fight face". It seems natural and no one is getting hurt so I watch them instead of intervening. (truth is.. it is so adorable and entertaining)

We use about a dozen signs with them and they are slowly beginning to pick up. Some of the signs are a bit useless.... Gage signs "bird". I would prefer something more meaningful! But I'll take what I can get! I have to say.... I don't know if it is a mix of our past parenting experience, our amazing boys, our incredibly helpful 20 year old daughter, or a blessing from God, but it has been a peaceful transition. It hasn't been uneventful.... Edgar had a bout of diarrhea and made a mess in the playroom. He did try and clean it up with his broom. Thoughtful but not effective. :/  Hubby and I tagged teamed it. I took poop monster to the shower and he grabbed his heavy duty cleaning products. Unfortunately Edgars broom didn't survive the attack and had to be thrown out! Edgar and Dunham had some biting habits from the orphanage and there were some pretty tense screaming sessions from the recipients. Both boys are getting used to the unlimited food supply. They would scream at the top of their lungs, slam their heads and bang on their trays. I have finally gotten them to relax a bit.

Adoption is not a fairy tale. It is hard. Long nights. No personal time. Constant demands. The cleaning never ends! The laundry laughable! I don't know if I would recommend it to just anyone. It is definitely for those with patience. I guess we are getting old and just take it in stride. It is however the most rewarding thing I have ever done! and.... it has only just begun! I am so thankful that God chose me and Marty to raise these three beautiful boys. Then again maybe it is a fairy tale? I pinch myself every day!

Gotcha!

Sorry for the long delay.... Our third and final trip started out a mess, Extra flights, lost luggage, long lines in immigration..... On and on. Once we arrived in Odessa the stressful paper chase, court mistakes and general Ukraine ridiculousness kicked in. The first visit with the boys on Monday, Edgar looked worse than ever. He was pale and covered in bruises, bites and a rash. I approached the swing where he is always sitting when the nannies take him out. They plop him in that swing and ignore him in order to keep him restrained. He was looking the opposite direction and I leaned over and quietly said "Vova, Mamas here". He froze as if waiting to hear my voice again. I could see his little mind thinking "did I just hear mama?" I said His name once more and he whipped around reaching and trying desperately to get out of the swing. I scooped him out and he hugged me for the longest time. Quietly murmuring "mama". Later during the visit he attempted to walk into a overgrown area and I scooped him up. He protested saying "mama, mom, ma, mama" in typical whiny three year old style.  Something about this whine made my heart leap for joy. THIS is MY son! And he knows it! A new heightened sense of desperation and fear washed over me as we worked to straighten out the mistakes with the court decree and expedite Gotcha Day!

Thursday morning the corrected court decree was ready and we raced to pick it up and get both boys birth certificates and other Ukrainian requirements filled. As the day drew to an end my facilitator said " we will pick up the boys tomorrow." Well that my friends was the moment I broke. "No we will NOT. These are MY children and I have the court decree and birth certificates to prove it. MY children will not spend one more night in an orphanage. Call them now. I am coming tonight. Period." I had all legal right to remove my children and I was NOT going to willingly let them spend one single night away from their mama. Two hours later the three of us entered that orphanage and took my boys! I was not feeling anything other then pure determination. Funny, I thought I would cry or feel elation of some sort. Nope just raw mama determination. I would have to say my walk out the gate was more of a mafia gorilla march! We returned the next morning to say goodbye and hand over the boys bank account money. I certainly could have used their government funds as we are still short for our tickets home or even to set aside as the boys have future needs. However I needed the orphanage to give me the boys medical information for the US Embassy and other personal items from their files. They can and will be difficult if they want to be. The orphanages expect that money to be donated and the reality was my boys were at a decent orphanage and I was confident the money would be used for the children. The director thanked us endlessly and our translator repeated her lengthy blessings, wishes for happiness, etc. when it was my turn to speak I simply said "Spasiba". (Thank you). I did not have any more energy for Ukrainian hypocrisy.

The boys have adjusted incredibly well over the past four days! Unbelievably fast! I had prepared myself for the absolute worst. None of my fears have come true. They are wonderfully wonderful! :). Learning about their preferences and personalities has been so much fun. Dunham is attached to Genesis like glue! She is always holding him since I am juggling "wild monkey boy"! Dunham is so gentle, quiet and easy going. We still haven't broken the news to Dunham that I am the mama not Genesis. The House family may be getting an eighth child! ;).   Edgar is a wild three year old and thinks being out of the orphanage is "the bees knees"! He has some strange sleeping habits....preferring to climb under the bed and sleep on the hard floor? I tried to put him back on the bed but he insists and falls fast asleep. He will take short naps or fall asleep on the bed but somehow winds up back on the floor! I figure his new freedom is about choices. Something he never had in the orphanage so if you like the floor... Why not? :) Genesis and I marvel at how quickly the boys have begun to heal physically. Edgar's bruises are healing and their rashes are nearly gone. They both eat constantly and the good nutrition has already improved their tone. They are becoming curious about each other and expressing all types of interest....love, curiosity, gentleness, not so gentleness! They are already bonding and behaving like brothers and I am incredibly blessed to be an observer.

Then there is Genesis. What an incredible young lady. She has been an absolute joy! She is patient, calm, helpful. She is a great listener and has been a calming "English speaking" presence. She
understood my demand to get the boys immediately and listened quietly when I complained. Never voicing her own aches pains or disappointments. She sat with the boys for hours in the car while I signed papers and juggled bureaucratic Ukraine craziness. Once while she was in the hot car with both boys and a non English driver, Edgar decided to have explosive diarrhea.  The driver must have been tired of the smell because he called my facilitator and she sent me to the car. Genesis did not stress in the least and helped me restrain "poopy pants" and change his clothes while she simultaneously held Dunham! She handles everything with a calm grace and laughs at my lame jokes. She cooks breakfast, makes coffee, feeds the boys and takes amazing pictures! She likes to explore and her curiosity and love for Ukraine pulls me out of my "mission" to take walks, sight see, and simply appreciate the small things. If you are traveling to adopt you MUST bring a "Genesis"! :)

Edgar is stirring from his nap..... Let the madness begin! ;)

Our son "Andrushka"

I am certain the day you found out you were expecting was quite a day. Whether is was planned, unplanned, exciting, frightening, sad..... I don't know. But I know you likely remember it clearly. Whatever emotions you were feeling at some point you wondered just what this child was like? Boy? Girl? Will it look like me or him? Will he have blue eyes? Red hair or blonde? How exciting for Andrushka's older sibling. I know that you were married and had another child, 7 years old. I do not know if that child were a boy or girl but certainly they watched your belly grow..... They wondered about this little life growing inside you. They rubbed your belly and felt the kicks, the hiccups? I am certain as married people you prepared your home for this new little one. Were you hoping for a daughter since you already had a son? Or vice versa? Did you care as long as the baby was "healthy"?

When your contractions started and your healthy baby boy was born full term at 3.5 kilos did you have his name picked out? Did you refuse to give it to him because he was not worthy? Were your mother, sister, husband there? When they told you of his diagnosis, his extra little chromosome did you cry? Did you refuse to hold him? Did you think he was cursed? Refuse to feed him? Did you beg your husband to let you keep him or silently grieve and agree to give him up. What did you tell your family and friends? Did you tell them the child died? Were you ashamed that you would make an "imperfect" child? What did you tell your 7 year old? You knew what the future held for him by sending him away to an orphanage.

 I am torn between compassion, pity, anger, forgiveness, gratitude.... I have lived in your country, your region, ....your neighborhood?....for nearly two months. Have I walked past you? Have I sat next to Andrushka's babushka at the cafeteria? I understand this is a hard life for common people. Decaying post soviet apartment buildings, corrupt politicians, nightmarish transportation, and poverty. I know that this is a hard life. I know it would have been a lot of work. I know that your family, friends, may not have understood or have whispered behind your back....I know because I am living that journey. Gods journey. "All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me". I have fought for your son for seven months. Spent $30k. Flown on 18 airplanes. Hundreds of people have donated, prayed and fought for your son. I have been away from my children and have gone weeks without holding my own infant son.

I want you to know that he was worth fighting for. Only God knows why you couldn't, wouldn't......... I want you to know that he is loved beyond measure. That he WILL do great things and that his story will inspire many other families to adopt. He will bring wisdom to those who see Down Syndrome as a curse. He will love and be loved and he will do all of this just by being himself, our beloved son...                                                            
                                                              Andriy Dunham Quinn.

Losing Dunham....

January. Things in kyiv were heating up. The stress of adoption was catching up to me, when I received a seemingly uneventful friend request from someone I did not know. We had several adoption friends in common, so I assumed it was just another family being friendly. Moments after accepting the request I received a private message. The message basically read...."we are in country and our child's paperwork is not ready, we received a referral on Dunham. Unless you say otherwise we will accept the referral. We hope this does not affect your process..."  My heart leaped into my throat and I sat stunned. I could hardly speak when I called my husband who without hesitation said "No we will not release him. he is our son." I hung up and called my good friend, sister in Christ, and fellow adoptive mother, ________. Sobbing I asked her what is the "right" thing to do?! I love this child! He IS my son! How can I give him up!? I thought instantly of the story of The Judgement of Solomon. My good friend in her wisdom, experience and stable emotions stated.... "Your son is not in any immediate danger. You are his mother. He will wait for you." I hung up and cried in a way I can imagine a mother losing her child would cry. It is then I knew that he was my child and God had declared him to be. I messaged back the other family. "No, we will not release him......" Several days passed with no communication. My fearful heart ached at the thought they would adopt him. I messaged....SEEN. No response.  I messaged again. SEEN. No Response. Finally a response. "We visited with "Dunham" today. My husband is having a difficult time turning him down....."  WHAT? They accepted his referral? They visited with him? My heart sunk, my throat closed. I pulled over to the side of the road. Hysterical I prayed. I had to work. I again insisted that they turn down the referral. She said that they would. I messaged the proper authorities at RR to let them know I was not releasing my commitment to Dunham. They assured me that he was safe and that the other family would not adopt him. I was angry, hurt, confused, scared. I continued on to work and that day I imagined Christ walking with me. Holding my hand. I moved over in the elevator to make room for him at the next office building I marketed. I clutched my hand imagining he was holding it. I wanted to drop to my knees in front of the world on the sidewalk and plead with God not to take my child from me. Oh it hurt so badly.... I could not even imagine the pain of a mother who has sent her child to Heaven.

The fear remained, as often fear does. It rooted itself into my heart and mind and began to take hold. The enemy was taking advantage. I could not think, eat, sleep, breathe..... I began using my asthma inhaler, that I hadn't used in months. I messaged the other family often to receive reassurance. She asked for my reassurance that we were coming and would not be frightened off by the events in Ukraine. I promised her we were coming! I prayed for them that God would give them comfort, guidance, bravery. I thought of their fear and broken hearts as they learned of their own child's paperwork issues and the frustration, exhaustion and pain they must be feeling. Weeks passed. One day I was extremely low. I called another good friend in process and cried. She was just as concerned about the protests in Kyiv. That is when an image came to me..... It was a beautiful sunny spring day, lovely flowers lined the sidewalk. I was pushing both of my boys in a stroller. It was so peaceful and beautiful and I knew it was from God. I was instantly filled with peace and hope.

When the other family announced their child's paperwork had been cleared and they were bringing home two amazing children that had no other family fighting to get to them, my heart leaped! Hooray for those two children, hooray for their new mama and papa and hooray for my healing heart! May God receive the glory of this amazing family that chose to obey God and trust in his plan for their family! The day we met Dunham we understood the magnitude of just what this family had done for us. The incredible sacrifice it must have been to be in this strange country, tired, broken hearted and confused..... Dunham with his gorgeous green eyes and reddish blonde hair and giant smile must have seemed like an absolute Angel! So tempting and perfect and simple to adopt this wonderful child..... But they did not succumb to the temptations of the enemy. I am certain they prayed, they fought their emotions and they won! They know who they are and they will surely read this blog. I want you to know that we are so very grateful. We pray for you often and ask God to bless your family endlessly for the blessing you have given us. Yesterday I walked my two precious boys in that stroller. It was a beautiful spring day. Just as God had promised. Thank you for giving me that gift.

Long days and longer nights......

Our court date has been moved from the 29th to the 12th. We are in country. The MSP did not have our final paper in time for us to make it in region for court. Normally this might be a day or two adjustment....but our judge is now on a two week vacation. What should have been Gotcha Day is now our new court date. I can not express to you how badly this rocked me! Leaving Baby Gage is so hard. Knowing Russia can invade at any moment is frightening. Losing these boys....would be devastating! We left the US for our second trip still short $1,500.
After court we will both fly home. Marty has to return to work and I need to relieve my sister from babysitting and other family members. Adoption is stressful on everyone! Your friends, family and children. After the ten waiting days, Marty will remain at home working and caring for our children and I will return to Ukraine with a family friend to assist me in getting the boys visas, passports, medicals, and through three grueling flights. Two trips has now turned to three. The need for funds seems never ending, and our boys are stuck two additional weeks in an orphanage. The evenings are ruthless. We are exhausted.
The good news? Gods renewed Hope greets us every morning! A friend has generously offered three $50 Visa gift cards as a fundraiser! We are still short the origonally $1500 and an additional round trip ticket! Marty is hopeful through Decals for Dunham and extra work he can cover the plane ticket. This leaves us still short a minimum of $1,500 we still NEED our FSP to reach $14,000. Once it does we will draw the winners for all three Visa Gift Cards!

Papa?

"Papa!" "Papa!" The little blonde haired girl ran to my husband. Her nanny quickly chased after her but not fast enough. The little girl made it to my husband lightening fast, despite her awkward underdeveloped legs and her FAS. She made it to her "Papa"! Marty scooped her up and the nanny walked back to the groupa realizing Marty was ok and was bringing her back to the group. I watched as my husband gently rubbed the little girls back and squeezed her in a gentle hug. Her face was lit up with the biggest smile. The other children in her groupa had all stopped what they were doing to stare. My husband walked slower then I had ever seen him walk. He smiled reassuringly at the nanny and placed her on the steel carousel with some of the other children. It didn't take long for the little girl to break away and try running back but the nanny was not going to let her get away again and scolded her firmly in Russian. I had thought over the first few days the children were staring at "us". They were not. They were staring at "PaPa".

On another visit... We had just returned the boys to their rooms and were standing at the top of the stairwell, when we saw a slightly older groupa climbing the stairwell across from us. We watched them through the glass wall as 10 children and 2 nannys made there way slowly up the stairwell. They appeared to be 4-5 year olds. One little boy saw "Papa" through the glass and broke away from the nannys instinctively yelling "Papa!" He managed to push open the door that separated us before a nanny snatched him up by the arm scolding him firmly in Russian. He twisted his body backwards to smile at us as she dragged him up the stairs. As they reached the top of the stairs he attempted once more to break away and wave to us, she shoved him by the back of the head into the room. He was such a little troublemaker! I loved his bravery and his defiance.

Throughout our visits we would have similar encounters and hear children cry out Papa. One little boy always yelled "Daddy". I'm not sure why he used this word when the others used Papa. As I watched Marty's gentleness, playfulness, and love for our boys and the other children. I began to see him in a way I never had before. I watched as Edgar rubbed his furry beard, and played with his sunglasses and cell phone. I thought about how strong Marty must seem to them with his big hands and deep voice. How Marty laughed when Edgar wrestled to hard and kicked him in the face. I marveled at the way the other children adored him like a celebrity or Santa! A Papa! A Daddy! All these children long for is a father. Eventually my boys will see me as more then just a nice nanny, caretaker, maid...... they will feel the love I have for them and know what it is to have a "real"  Mama. But if they never do, I will give them the greatest gift they will ever receive, a Papa.

Where are you men of courage? Are you willing to defy the status quo? Break away from your groupa? Scoop up a tiny orphan child and give them a Papa?

                    Bringing Home Dunham and Edgar Donations LINK

If thats the coffee you have, thats the coffee you drink!

Where do I even start?!

Arriving in Kiev was surreal. We saw the Goocher's at baggage claim. They were a beautiful, young couple, headed to the same orphanage as us to adopt their little girl. The driver met us just outside of baggage claim and we waved bye to the Goocher's and scurried to his van. Driving into Kiev the two things that stood out to me were the beautiful women and the graffiti that covered everything! We stopped at a small market where we picked up some misc. items for the apartment. I had to oink for ham and mimic wiping for TP but otherwise it went well! The apartment was decent. We settled in and waited for our appointment with social services to come. Our time in Kiev is a blur. We ate at a cheap local restaurant where one of the waitresses spoke English and they had free wifi. We met up with the Blakes and their new son Sergey and our Facilitator and went to the mall. We visited Maiden and were in awe seeing it in person. Then we took an 8 hour train ride to the region our boys are located.

We arrived late in the night. A women who was renting us an apartment met us at the train station. We drove to our apartment. We had specifically requested something as close to the orphanage as possible. It was close. It was also on the eighth floor and the bottom level smelled like sewage. The elevator was covered in graffiti, the size of a small closet and it felt as if the bottom would fall out at any moment. There were two keys to the apartment door and they were huge old style keys. The Russian woman who owned the apartment showed us around. It was older then the apartment in Kiev but it was clean and we were tired. The next morning we were able to see a little more of our surroundings when we left for Americano. It was a set of four large ten story buildings with a small park in the center. There were a few stray dogs and many stray cats. Every wall was covered in graffiti and looked more like a prison. Marty asked our facilitator if this were a low-income area. She said "No?" as if curious why we thought so. I explained to her this building would probably be condemned in the states. There were loose electrical wires everywhere, the plumbing was sketchy, and that microwave appeared to be the first one ever made. For whatever reason I loved the rawness of the situation. Staying at a modern Hotel would have felt "fake" to me? I wanted to know this place. The realness of where our boys would have grown up had they not been diagnosed with DS and abandoned. As time went on and we were able to see the rest of the city I realized these giant buildings resembling public housing were how most people lived. Some of them drove Mercedes and had designer clothing. Others drove older cars or walked, but they all lived in these graffiti covered buildings. In the morning they would walk their children to school and I would watch them from my eighth floor window sipping my instant coffee. As our facilitator Halyna would say... "if that is the coffee you have, that is the coffee you drink!" One particular mother stood out to me. She had crutches and suffered from cerebral palsy possibly? She would walk her son to school much slower and the other mothers would pass her up as she took breaks to catch her breath. Her son was perhaps 5 or 6 and he would run around picking up sticks or petting a dog and then run back to hug her when she stopped to catch her breath. He didn't hold her hand like the other children because she had to hold the crutches. I looked forward to seeing them in the mornings. There was something incredibly touching about this boy and his mother.

The day we met our boys, we were nervous, scared, excited. We met with the orphanage director who spoke Russian. She was nice enough but I could have screamed when she made small talk with our Facilitator while we anxiously waited to meet the boys. The first room we went to was Edgars. When they brought him out he was so tiny and he came to me right away. He had been eating lunch and was very agitated these strangers had taken him from his food. I tried to see his face but he had it buried in my shoulder along with a fist full of cracker. He began screaming and kicking and the nanny quickly grabbed him back and that was it. No warm fuzzies. No tears. It lasted 60 seconds. Next we went to meet Dunham. This meeting was a little better. He looked just like his pictures. Maybe a little blonder. He smiled right away and laughed. We could see that his nanny's were very nice and they liked him a lot. They said we could take pictures and seemed to be encouraging us to adopt him. That was it. No Hollywood movie there either! We scurried off to do paperwork, still in shock. We made it back just in time for our second visitation with the boys. We took them both outside together. Dunham was an absolute angel. Just perfect. He was very quiet and curious. He smiled and laughed. Edgar whined and growled. He threw himself backwards as hard as he could, slamming the back of his head on the cement. He did not trust us and he was letting us know. I was holding Dunham and selfishly was relieved because I had no idea what to do with Edgar. Marty saw my fear and uncertainty and he took the lead. He placed Edgar in the swing and began tickling and playing with him. Edgar grabbed the empty swing next to him and hit Marty in the head with it. Marty laughed.... Edgar laughed.... and so began the bonding. My fear started to slip away as each visit with Edgar got better and better! Each visit he seemed more and more alive! The glazed look would disappear when he saw us. He still preferred Daddy but we decided to take turns visiting the boys and Edgar loved his one on one attention! He began to trust me and realize I wasn't like the other "Nanny's". I would dread bringing him back to his room. His nanny was younger and clearly found him irritating. She would grab his arm and drag him into the room. Always saying something Russian in an unfriendly tone. He would fight her immediately. Refusing to walk, crying, it was heartbreaking.

The last visit with the boys was the best. Dunham was his usually Angelic self. and Edgar was so playful and funny. He kept running back in forth between daddy and I  getting hugs and kisses. We met with them together this time and Edgar came over to his little brother and touched his leg and cheek. We love these boys and cannot get back soon enough to bring them home! Right now we are recovering from all the traveling, physical and emotional exhaustion, and the colds and stomach bugs we picked up. We are also enjoying spending time with Baby Gage and the older kids as we await our court date. God's perfect timing got us home for Gage's 7 month Birthday and to see his second tooth pop through this morning (: He is a good God.