How can I feel such deep love for a child I've never met? He haunts my thoughts day and night. My prayers are consumed with pleas for his safe keeping. He is my inspiration, my strongest desire. He makes me a better person. I work harder than ever before at my job, my relationships, my parenting. I want to be more like him..... closer to God, innocent, .... special. He gives me purpose, hope, peace and direction. Baby Gage is here, safe, loved. While this child is lost. There is no feeling more hopeless to me then knowing my child is a world away and I cannot get to him! This is the thing nightmares are made of. I think of his birth mother. What was so broken within her so frightening about his diagnosis that he was not worth keeping, loving? I would give anything to have him here with us! The doubt and fear that creeps in is quickly rejected. I cannot bear the thought that something would happen to prevent us from bringing him home. I go through the motions like special forces on a mission. I know this is God's Plan for my life. His perfect plan to give me purpose, adventure, fulfillment, joy, and new lessons. My husband and I do not speak about the magnitude of our emotions. I know him well. I see it in his eyes, his voice, his hard work. I know he is prepared to lay down his time, money, his very life for this child as he would any of our other children. I once read "if there is something you own which you can’t give away, you don’t own it, it owns you!" Material possessions have no meaning to me. After all would we not give anything to spare the life of our child? Would we not beg the lord to take our very lives before that of our child?
If I have to sell everything I own I will. God does not say "Do what you can within reason." or "If it is convenient". I have always had a family rule that the only thing non-negotiable is our family. Where we live, how we live, everything is negotiable but our family. This orphan is a part of our family. Bringing him home is not negotiable. This is the purpose of my life. I will not stop if I discover a closed door. Not all closed doors are really closed…not all barriers are placed there by God…some are mirages erected by the enemy to discourage. I am doing what God has directed me to do at this time. I wont worry about tomorrow. I am finally experiencing an intimate relationship with Christ. This is what he calls us to do. This is what he desires. I want to please him, to do what he asks of me. John 7:17 “Anyone Who Chooses To Do God’s Will, Shall Know It.” As I step out in faith, God offers me his perfect peace. My walk in faith isn't about giant leaps. I have taken small steps and God has continued to guide me, to reveal to me that He is in control.
This is my destiny. I recognize it by its consuming desire that wont let me go. I recognize it by the joy it gives me - “I delight to do thy will, O my God.” Psalm 40:8 I recognize it by being in Gods favor, and watching the right doors open and the right people he has brought to my life. Fulfilling Gods purpose in my life will be the only way I will hear "well done". Not because of the things I acquired, or the money I made.
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